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Hot Takes for Tuesday March 21, 2017
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1. The Phantom Menace is the Best Star Wars Movie
First steps, first words, first kiss. Hell, I even get sentimental about my first Instagram post. What can I say? I’m a sucker for the first anything. So it should be no surprise that The Phantom Menace, the first episode, is the best movie of the entire Star Wars epic.
And you need to take a deep breath or a deep swig from your drink. Time to relax about this.
People get waaaaaaaaayyyy too worked up about Star Wars in general. But they get especially upset about the prequels, which I think is a bunch of bologna.
The Phantom Menace came out when I was 6. It’s the second movie I saw in theaters (the first was Spice World btw), and it blew the Beanie Babies out of my hands and the bowl cut off my head. The nerds can worship Episodes 4, 5, and 6 all they want, but those snooze-fests just seemed lame to 6 year-old Jack after I got a load of this space magic…
I don’t know about you, but I’m turned on right now.
For Young Jack O’Shea, this wasn’t just a casual fling. This was love during a seminal moment in my life. When I saw Obi Wan slice Darth Maul in half (which was the inspiration behind Dewey Cox, btw), it changed me. It put hair on my chest. And as a 6 year-old, that was pretty rad.
Darth Maul was my childhood.
Phantom Menace has everything. Space NASCAR? Check. Double swords? Check. Enormous boat-eating fish? Check. Natalie Portman? Check. Check. Check.
Take Temperature:
9/10 – Hot as Sebulba’s driving skills.
2. I’m soooo over Trump on SNL
Don’t get me wrong, I love satire, I love impressions, and I love political commentary—especially when it hurts people’s feelings. But Saturday Night Live has gotten to the point where I can’t tell if an episode is new, or if it’s a rerun.
Every week they air the exact same show: opening monologue making fun of something Trump said, sketch making fun of something Kellyanne Conway said, musical guest, weekend update, sketch making fun of something Sean Spicer said, random sketch, musical guest, Trump sketch, end.
The show feels about as original as the latest Air Bud spinoff, Treasure Buddies. They’re using anti-Trump celebrities instead of, you know, the ACTUAL cast. And the whole thing just feels like clickbait.
I mean come on. This is clickbait.
SNL just needs to mix it up a bit. It feels like their goal this season isn’t to make us laugh, but to make Trump mad. Let Alec Baldwin get back to doing Alec Baldwin stuff, and—for the love of God—bring back Kevin Roberts.
Take Temperature:
8/10 – Someone’s feelings are super hurt right now.
3. The NBA kinda sucks now.
It really pains me to say this, especially since this is really the first season my Washington Wizards have been good since our star player decided to treat our locker room like a Wild West Saloon. But, it’s unfortunately true.
The 2015 NBA Championship was between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Golden State Warriors. The 2016 NBA Championship was between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Golden State Warriors. The 2017 NBA Championship (in all likelihood) will be between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Golden State Warriors.
I don’t mind that the regular season is essentially just a really long pre-game show before the Cavs and Warriors duke it out in the finals. I have a problem with how the rest of the league is responding…
Tanking… The rest of the league is tanking.
Not every team is doing this—my Wizards would never dare do such a thing—and some teams are certainly doing it more than others, but it’s undeniably a league-wide trend. The best way to rehabilitate your team is to sell all of your expensive players and lose enough games to get high draft picks.
To improve the NBA, I’ve already suggested installing an ice pond in the middle of every court. Nobody listened. So until you people meet me halfway, I’m done giving out my great ideas. But if you want to talk, you know where to find me. Right here, by the fire, coating on some of that magnificent Speed Stick Irish Spring Antiperspirant—cause it smells so damn good, and it lasts all damn day. Speed Stick: Impossible is nothing!
Take Temperature:
5/10 – Meh.
Like what you read this week? Enjoy last week’s #HotTakesTuesday with Jack O’Shea. And don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for another issue of Hot Takes Tuesday with Jack O’Shea, brought to you by.
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