Hotline to Heaven

Tired of waiting patiently for your prayers to be answered? Well, wait no more! Now, at your fingertips, discover a comprehensive new directory of spiritual assistance created expressly to nurture your Higher Self. For $0.99 per minute, dial 1-800-HEAVEN to access a range of rituals and spiritual guidance which will take care of your every conceivable religious need. Please listen carefully as our options have changed.

For general life advice, including the proper way to live your life as a righteous Christian, dial 1.

Pastors manning our Dogma Line will guide you like a parent, confirm your beliefs are true and correct, and ease your burden of having to think for yourself. You will hang up utterly reassured and calm after being bathed in a cascade of soothing validations and affirmations reminding you just how correct, special, and unique you are.

Need to get something off your chest? Dial 2 for our Heavenly Confessional.

Ordained priests are ready and eager to hear all the juicy details, pass judgment, prescribe penance, and pronounce you officially forgiven. Sleep like a baby after divulging your deepest sins—until you wake up and do it all over again!

Is someone else receiving something you wanted, or benefitting from a string of good luck, even though you know you’re the better, more worthy person?

Dial 3 to be connected to our Supplication Line (formerly known as Complaints).

Turbo charge even your most fervent prayers with this immediate petition straight to Heaven. Your rivals won’t suspect a thing.

Curious, confused, or concerned about something you read in the Bible?

Dial 4 for our Debate Line and be connected to a theological party chat.

Note: This chat is moderated by bots, only open weeknights from 7-9 P.M., and participants must be vetted beforehand with a negative breathalyzer installed on their phone. Obscene language of any kind (including using the Lord’s name in vain) is grounds for automatic expulsion.

Faint from too much fasting? Dial 5 to be connected to our Community Servings Line!

Here, you will be supplied with a list of diocesan Ham and Bean Suppers, Fish Frys, or Pancake Breakfasts. Break bread with like-minded true believers and feel like you’ve come home for a warm, welcoming Sunday family meal.

In need of quick cash or a quick fix for some misfortune you brought upon yourself?

Dial 666 to speak with Lucifer. Surely you and he can work something out to your advantage. Note: Terms and conditions may apply.

Concerned about maintaining your faithful image in the community despite missing recent church services?

Dial 7 for our Swag Line, where you can choose from a range of merchandise verifying your heavenly devotion, including tee shirts, sweatshirts, and “I CALLED THE HOTLINE TO HEAVEN” bumper stickers. Prove you are more devout than your neighbors when you show up to services sporting this incredible lineup of swag!

Speaking of neighbors, worried your neighbor is worshiping a false idol—or worse, not worshiping at all?

Dial 8 for our “See Something, Say Something” Line.

Your input will send a team of Church representatives straight to your neighbor’s front door. Plus, you’ll earn free swag for saving a soul in distress! Say something now and help a fellow human return to the path to Paradise.

Stuck in Purgatory?

Thanks for waiting this long! (It’s what you do best!) Dial 9 to leave a voicemail for St. Peter and plead your case. St. Peter will return your call if your petition is accepted. Note: there is a 5-minute maximum for all recordings, and you will be charged an extra $0.05 every time you use the word “I.”

To hear this list of options again, Dial 0.

Press * to fast forward to Judgment and end this call.

For other religions, try our companion lines, 1-800-SHABBAT and 1-800-4-SALAAM. New denominations coming soon!