At this very moment, there is a carton of coconut milk, almond milk, and soy milk chilling in the fridge at my office. Don’t let their creamy deliciousness fool you. They are liars and impostors. And, frankly, their entire existence baffles me.
Even if we lived in a world where there was only one type of milk—organic whole cow’s milk—it would still be the most absurd thing that we drink. I mean, it’s a liquid that we extract from unconsenting ANIMALS! And if it wasn’t so normalized, and if it didn’t go so damn well with a hefty bowl of Fruity Pebbles, we’d consider drinking it to be as weird as drinking a cow’s blood, sweat, and tears.
But drinking milk IS normalized. And it’s everywhere. And with mounting research about Asian digestion and a surging fleet of lactose-phobic hippies, it seems like every day mankind finds a way to turn another plant food into a pseudo-mammal.
I don’t like this trend. And I don’t think it’s just a fad.
#FakeMilk bothers me. I don’t understand why they make so many different types I don’t understand how they make them so delicious. I don’t understand how they make them at all. I’ve only ever eaten like three almonds in my life, but I know for a gosh darn fact that if you squeeze one, ain’t no mothafuckin’ milk is coming out.
Trust me, I checked: Almonds don’t have nipples.
Almond and soy milk are already weird enough, but soon they will be making milk from avocados and kale. Call me conservative, but I preferred the good old days when milk was only made from enslaved cows. With each passing day we are getting closer and closer to a nationwide movement of Take Back the Milk rallies.
This is the future of America, and I, for one, do not feel safe.
7/10 – I’ll give you a warm glass of SHUT THE HELL UP!
I don’t really think this is a hot take, but someone needs to be out here doing the Lord’s work. People that say “kudos” are the same people that say “gesundheit” when you sneeze, and remind you to buckle your seatbelt the second you get in the car.
I’ll buckle up when I’m good and ready, TOBY!
But, I don’t think these people realize how annoying they are. They’re well intentioned, just like a person who corrects your grammar via text message. And those grad students who remind your that ACTUALLY, they’re cattle, not cows.
If you say “kudos” and aren’t referencing a granola-candy bar hybrid, I highly advise you to stop.
And if you don’t say “kudos” but know someone who does, be a good friend and show them the error of their ways. It’s like when your friend has something stuck in their teeth, you might feel uncomfortable pointing it out, but they will thank you in the long run.
1/10 — Cold as a Coors when them mountains are blue.
It really is. I wrote this while watching the Washington Capitals take on the Toronto Maple Leafs in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and while I am most certainly a Caps fan, I just don’t know enough about the sport to truly follow the team.
I really wish I did though. I love all sports, except for soccer because I’m not a communist. And even as I watch the Stanley Cup Playoffs, I’m still not really picking up the ins and outs of the game, but I am realizing more and more that hockey is possibly the funniest game ever invented.
First off, they play the game on a big sheet of ice. I mean, that’s insane right? They run around with steak knives on their feet wielding makeshift broomsticks like they’re playing the Winter Olympics version of Quidditch.
Also, hockey players are allowed to fight with each other, which is awesome. They fight on these big frozen tundras with stabby weapons on their feet and the refs are just like…
Then after they fight, or slash, or do something else they’re not allowed to do, the refs put them in a little jail. It’s very similar to Monopoly in this respect. They literally put you in timeout.
But you know what I find most enjoyable about hockey? The players themselves. Their names are all so gosh darn Eastern European and French. Dirk Nowitzki is probably the funniest name in the NBA, but it would be like the 100th funniest name in NHL. Every time I hear Barry Melrose talk about guys like Leon Draisaitl and Mark Scheifele, I can’t help but smile.
4/10 — Run that Zamboni one time.
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