I am a Patriots fan, and I am BARELY HANGING ON. I know we Pats fans are not generally sympathetic characters, so I invite you to take some enjoyment from my pain, knowing that Super Bowl LV, will likely be an emotional torture rack.
For the uninitiated, Sunday’s big game is between the defending champion Kansas City Chiefs, led by Patrick Mahomes, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, led by New England’s scorned ex, Tom Brady. For years I minimized the sympathies of Bridget Moynahan, not realizing I would be her gridiron analog. So here I sit pondering who I want to win the Super Bowl and what outcomes could actually make me happy.
This acknowledges that Tom Brady still had enough in the tank and the Patriots screwed up by not appeasing him, but also that the Bucs coach—a 1970s Bond villain five decades too late—didn’t do anything that Bill Belichick couldn’t have done. (Aside from being congenial.)
Again, I am clearly feeling vindictive about the Bucs coach talking shit about how the Patriots managed Tom Brady. It would be wildly ironic if the Bucs—who signed everyone Tom Brady wanted, and let him do whatever he wanted—took the ball out of his hands with the game on the line.
Again, accepting that 2020’s bizzaro-reality could have been us if we’d just not succumbed to dick measuring contests. But seeing Gronk happy and celebrating is better than all of the bad feelings of watching an ex win the breakup.
Sure, the Bucs lured Brady away by offering him all the things he couldn’t have in Boston, including very loose mask wearing laws. But signing Antonio Brown—who is an objectively awful human being, SO BAD THAT THE PATRIOTS OWNER AND HEAD COACH BOTH AGREED TO CUT HIM—shows how little Brady and the Bucs care about morality. People who give money and opportunities to bad humans—who prove it time and time again—should lose.
Sad for a few reasons. The Patriots were the last team to win back-to-back Super Bowls, and losing records stinks. Patrick Mahomes would be a third of the way to Tom Brady’s Super Bowl rings in essentially three seasons. Watching a mopey Tom Brady is not fun.
Honestly, who—outside of Kansas slash Missouri—wouldn’t enjoy this outcome? It would be an undeniably awesome sports movie.
I am still a football fan, and this is likely the best quarterback matchup we’ve had in anyone’s lifetime. If it fizzles, we all lose. We endured 2020, have to watch the Super Bowl with only our immediate families, so please just give us a points-a-palooza.
Meanwhile twice-impeached Donald Trump tries to sign up for Twitter as @realBaronTrump to insult Brady, but fools no one because he spelled his son’s name wrong.