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As Zoom birthdays have come and gone, and texting people back has become simply impossible, this chapter of the pandemic has made it pretty hard to want to actually pick up the phone and connect with just about anyone.

So where does that leave us?

Are we just not gonna talk to anyone anymore? Are we supposed to just tell people we’re setting boundaries and focusing on ourselves… like a bunch of psychopaths? Are we supposed to take these things we’ve “learned” during this 2020-2021 pandemic season and actually apply them and be honest with our friends and family about what we need? That seems certifiably insane.

So here are some voicemail options you can use to tell everyone what’s up without having to actually pick up the phone.

1. If you’re just sooooo busy.

Hey it’s me, leave a message and I’ll leave your voicemail unlistened to for weeks, maybe months (years?) and get back to you when I finish my To-Do List (*AKA watching 292 episodes of Love Island and finally going to the grocery store.)

*Author’s Note: Don’t say the parenthetical part out loud.

2. If you’re over phone tag, forever.

You’ve reached 555-555-5555. Leave a brief message and I’ll call you back in a couple days! Then you’ll call me back in a couple days, and then I’ll ring you at a very inconvenient time on purpose, and then you’ll return the favor, and then eventually our friendship will dwindle to commenting on each other’s Instagram posts, and I’m cool with it if you are.

3. If you’re a moment away from telling your boss to suck it.

Hi, you’ve reached [NAME]. I’m either on a Zoom call, Google Hangout, Teams Call, or Slacking my brains out. Please don’t leave your name, number, or a brief message. I don’t have any bandwidth. I’m hanging by a thread. Send help, in the form of three months salary, so I can quit. Thanks so much!

4. If you get more out of your books than some friendships and are a straight shooter.

I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, I’m busy reading my historical fiction novel with a female protagonist who falls in love with an Army Private First Class from a different century, and I value this escapism more than our friendship. BEEP!

5. If you’re over this one-sided friendship but want to be polite about it.

Hello? Hey, what’s up. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That’s crazy. Aw cute! No, still single. Miss you too! Yea! That’d be fun, let’s plan it. Oh no, I can’t next week. The week after? No? Bummer. Week after that? And then it’s Thanksgiving? We’ll get together soon, promise.

6. If you’re backlogged and DNGAF.

Hello. I was probably staring at my phone when you called, and I let it go to voicemail because I can’t possibly speak to another person today. You will get a call back in the order it was received. You are 101st in line. Looking forward to catching up!

7. If you’re trying to come up with a “New Life Plan,” but all you can come up with is “Invent the new TikTok.”

Hi, this is [NAME.] I’m away from now until TBD. Currently on vacation trying to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do with my life, so it might be a while. And by “vacation,” I mean I just told everyone I had COVID so they’d get off my back. If you need help before I return, try my dad* at 555-DAD-5555. He’s retired, so he has a lot of time on his hands.

*Author’s Note: This is a genuine offer, Steve gives pretty good advice. 

8. If you’re serious about pulling a Henry David Thoreau.

Hi, you’ve reached [NAME]. I’m unable to come to the phone right now because I never want to communicate with anyone but my dog again. If you leave your name, number, and a brief message, I will go missing and leave a note telling the authorities you’re the last person who saw me alive. Cheers!

Katie Novotny

Katie is a comedian and copywriter, living in New York to chase her dreams of becoming the official spokeswoman for Bengay.

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