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If you give a Josh a cookie, he’s going to ask for a glass of milk.

When you give him the milk, he’ll probably ask you what kind of milk that was.

You’ll tell him it was whole milk, and he’ll smile and nod politely even though he’ll wish you had let him know it was whole milk before he drank it.

Then he’ll want to look in a mirror to make sure he doesn’t look as disgusting as he feels after eating a cookie and drinking whole milk, which is delicious, but might as well be frosting.

When he looks in the mirror, he won’t notice anything, but the relentlessness of uber-fit men and women in consumer media will make him worry that he’s already out of shape.

So he’ll probably feel like he needs to go for a longer run tomorrow.

When he’s on his longer run, he’ll still feel guilt and pressure to look desirable, because in our culture we judge looks first, second, and third.

So he’ll work in some crunches, and push ups, and may even end up doing a few burpees.

When he’s done, he’ll probably want to take a nap.

But he’s a 36 year-old man and naps are for children and Gen Z, both of whom he considers lesser beings.

He’ll regret thinking that and have to really unpack why he feels that way.

So he’ll talk about his concerns with some trustworthy friends, one of whom is a licensed psychologist.

Which means he’ll feel like he got therapy even though he definitely did not.

And he will wonder if he needs to be more responsive to his own needs (as he is neither a child nor Gen Z).

For Josh, the first step is making a list of priorities and posting it somewhere he will see it frequently. So he’ll tape it to the fridge.

Looking at the refrigerator will remind him that he’s thirsty. So… he’ll ask for a glass of milk. And chances are if he asks you for a glass of milk, Josh is going to want a cookie to go with it.”


Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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