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This week’s prompt is #collaboration, which pairs up two writers for one piece. This piece has been written by Josh Bard and John Papageorgiou.
“Good morning, everybody. As you’re no doubt aware, earlier this morning, you were ripped from your bed, blindfolded, and driven to this phenomenally drab warehouse. You’re probably thinking to yourself, Is this happening because I stole the virginity of a mafia don’s daughter? Failed to return a library book? Am I being used as an extra in GLOW?
“Gary, take off their blindfolds. Actually, first, use some hand sanitizer. I heard you come out of the bathroom without washing. So help me, Gary, if you give any of these good people pinkeye.
“Look around you. You’re one of many who’s been abducted. And you and your fellow captives are all masters of a certain domain. Achievers. Outliers. Virtuosos. And yet, are any of you truly happy? I will answer that for you. NO. NO YOU AREN’T. SOMETHING IS MISSING FROM EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR LIVES.
“For my partner and I, something is most certainly missing from our lives. Business partner, by the way. I know you can’t see our faces because we purposefully backlit ourselves to preserve anonymity, but I do want to just take a little of that mystery away. We are not gay partners. Just business partners.
“We are missing money. The kind of money that would make us extravagant gentlemen and could fulfill all of our wants. To be clear, not gay wants. Not that there’s anything wrong with those if those are the wants that you want. And that is also why you marvelosos are here today, because we are about to pull of one of the most daring, most complicated heists in the history of currency.
“We are going to knock off a Walmart Supercenter on the Saturday after Black Friday.
And that is where you all come in. Each of you possess a specialization. Together, you form a kidnapped collective of immense thieving talent. You form the Broceans 11.
“Let us introduce yourselves, then I think the plan will become quite clear.
The Heist Leader
Please say hello to Tom Selleck. I am sure no one has ever needed convincing on getting on board with Tom Selleck so I will keep this introduction to a minimum. Tom Selleck has been in so many roles, and acted so convincingly, that he knows how to react in every situation. He is a leader, a stud, and a man who could back-rub his way out of any sticky situation, at least that’s what I like to imagine. If you are having any issues, please bring them to Tom, and Tom will decide if they merit being brought to us.
The Alarms Expert
The second member of our squad is a no-brainer. Every heist needs an alarms expert. Do you know what the average alarm system consists of? Paint buckets on strings. Iced stairs. Tarantulas.
Do you remember how Macaulay Culkin defended his house against the Wet Bandits in Home Alone? Paint buckets on strings. Iced Stairs. Tarantulas. Yes, all of modern security is based upon what Macaulay invented in that 1990 blockbuster.
I trust no one more than an item’s original designer. There’s a reason that the iPhone has gone to shit since Steve Jobs died, or why pizza has been a letdown ever since the passing of Thomas Pizza. Thankfully, despite his best efforts throughout the 90s and 2000s, Macaulay Culkin is still with us, and with him by our side, those alarm systems don’t stand a chance! Plus, I want to ask him what Joe Pesci smells like. I bet it’s nice.
The Blueprints Specialist
Next, no good plan has ever come together without a great blueprint, just like no good heist has ever been successful without a great blueprints specialist. There is really only one choice: Bobby, from Queer Eye, who is a delightful team player and works on deadlines. Bobby, stand up and blow a kiss to everyone.
We’ve only seen Bobby ever build new homes and communities, but anyone who built sandcastles knows, it’s wayyyy easier to break them down than build them up. And Bobby’s do-goodery is just the kind of false front this operation values. Also, Bobby has excommunicated himself from religion, which is good because he answers to no one but himself. We don’t need any of the holier than thou shit permeating our ranks.
The “Regular”
Moving on, we’ll need something who can embed themselves as a “regular.” Someone that the Walmarters of the world will welcome with their open and chubby arms. That’s why Daniel Lawrence Whitney is our fourth member. To us he may be an unremarkable three-first-named dweeb with no discernible talent. But inside of a Walmart, away from the bourgeoisie, Daniel Lawrence Whitney sheds the Daniel, the Whitney, and his sleeves, to become Larry the Cable Guy. Larry can “awe shucks” his way into the hearts and minds of his fans, before robbing them blind, not unlike his professional course. The man is the only superhero that is neither super nor a hero.
The Diversion
I think we can all agree that we’re going to need a diversion on this heist. Something to turn heads. And no one commands attention like Dolly Parton. I’m not just talking because of her cans, either: Did you know her Imagination Library recently delivered its 100th millionth book to a child in need, in order to combat literacy? What a powerful way to be the change she wished to see in the world!
That said, back to the cans. What a nexus of attention those battering rams are. Such perfection, even gay men can’t help but love them. People point to the flag as the symbol of American pride, but what really makes us exceptional is Dolly’s chest. I bet if you took off her bra, you’d hear an eagle scream and the ghost of George Washington would appear to give you the “okay” sign before mock-humping the air.
The Charity Case
Our sixth member is Donnie Baseball, Don Mattingly. My favorite player as a child, because leave it to me to become a fan of the most hated team in sports during the era they were a dumpster fire that burned brighter than the sun. Being a Yankees fan in the 80s and early 90s was like joining al-Qaeda in 2018: The good times were almost 20 years ago.
“So,” you might be asking, “what exactly would Don Mattingly bring to this heist?” The answer is “nothing.” And I’m fine with that. You see, Don never won a World Series with the Yankees, the team making it to the Fall Classic both the year before his rookie season (1981) and the year after he left (1996). That fact haunts me more than it haunts him. If I can’t give a kidney to The Hit Man, I at least want to bathe him in jewels and tell him that he was my favorite in that Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns hires all those ringers for his softball team.
The Financier
The talent we have compiled so far is staggering, but we need someone who can make the financials line up. What’s the good in spending a million bucks to rip off a Walmart with only $20,000 in the safe? We need someone who can take a plan that’s in the red and get it in the black. And speaking of in the black, we could use a little diversity in our team, so meet Daymond John, the black guy from Shark Tank. He created FUBU, and more importantly, he keeps people from telling us that our international crime syndicate is #oscarssowhite.
At this point, I am sure you are all thinking that our team is looking pretty good, but we are missing some key components. The good news is that I have just the secret weapon to check all of those boxes. For example, our crew is short on athleticism, doesn’t have a disguise guy, and could use someone who could see things from both sides.
The All-American Hero
Without further ado, open your mind and say hello to 1976’s World Greatest Athlete, and August 2015’s Vanity Fair covergirl, Bruce and Caitlyn Jenner. Just when you thought he did it all, winning the gold medal in the decathlon, she went and did even more, transitioning and becoming a role model for trans-people and rich privileged folks who are bored. He is such a good disguise guy he isn’t even a he anymore! Caitlyn can run fast and jump high and throw things far and never cowers in a high-pressure moment. And just to address the elephant in the room, we will not let her drive the getaway car. Not because she’s a woman, but because of the vehicular manslaughter!
The One-Liner
No matter how meticulously planned this heist might be, something is going to go wrong. If that weren’t the case, everyone would do it. And, when it all hits the fan, we can announce that in one of two ways: A caucasian actor can turn to the camera and exclaim, “We really did it this time!” before the opening notes of Glenn Frey’s “The Heat Is On” blast through the theater’s sound system, or Isiah Whitlock, Jr. can open that beautiful yapper of his and let out a sustained, strained, “sheeeeeeeit!”
And that’s clearly the better way to go. If Isiah were my oncologist, and he pulled out my test results and said, “sheeeeeeit!,” I’d be laughing like I just saw a monkey pull down the pants of a circus clown, bowel cancer be damned. (Yes, hypothetical me has bowel cancer. That’s what subsisting on Slim Jims from 1991-96 will get you.)
The Top Shelf Talent
Our tenth is Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney’s portrayal of Ellen Ripley in the Aliens series is the all-time epitome of feminine, on-screen badassery. You’re only allowed to disagree with me on this one if either you’re nominating Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor instead, or you were born after 2000, in which case you’re probably unfamiliar with Alien and I pity you, even if you’re going to live to see flying cars.
So you’re probably thinking I’ve got Sigourney along on this heist as the muscle. Well, you’re wrong: It’s because she’s 6’0”. Imagine that in heels! We’re talking almost 6’6”! So am I nominating her because I have a thing for tall women? Wrong again! It’s because you never know when someone able to reach a high shelf will come in handy. Heist be damned: That’s just solid life advice.
The Shot-caller
That leaves just one last person. We need a guy who can call the shots and make sure our timing issues do not get the best of us. We need a taskmaster who can execute a plan and still adapt to the inevitable sheeeeeeeeeeeeet hitting the fan. Bill Belichick is that man. Working for him these next few weeks will be like working for a Donald Trump tweet come to life, with the added empathy of a demogorgon. However, coach will make each of us better executors. Plus if we ever get caught, you know he’ll keep his damn mouth shut when facing a line up of police questions.
Now let’s break up into small groups and introduce yourselves, including your likes, dislikes, and then we’ll do some trust falls. Don’t forget to sign those non-disclosure contracts that are being passed around!
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