In 1992, Super Nintendo took us on an international adventure in senseless hand-to-hand combat. And frankly, it was awesome. In Street Fighter II, we visited every continent and found some pretty sensual alpha dogs. But which had the chops and the looks to kill? Three of our writers weigh in.
by Zach Straus
This thing right here is letting all the Fighters know what guys talk about. You know, the finer things in life. Ah heh. Check it out.
Ooh, Zangief looks scandalous. And you know another player couldn’t handle it. He’s flying through the air like who’s the ish. With the scars on the arms so devilish. Uh. He like to wrestle in the Cold War spots. And the beard and the hair make my crotch all hot. Not just bottom, he likes to top. With a dick so big it’ll choke ya.
He has dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Thighs like what, what, what. Baby, move your butt, butt, butt. I think I’ll sing it again. He has dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Thighs like what, what, what. All night long.
Let me see that thong.
A worthy second place, Chun-Li is CLOSE to the total package. If it weren’t for Zangief’s unbelievable Zangbeefiness, she might top the list on backstory alone.
No, not backstory like “Damn, Chun-Li! You’re a sexy Interpol agent investigating the suspicious death of your father.” Backstory like “Damn, Chun-Li! You got a BACK that tells a STORY.”
I hate that I’m telling you this. I really do.
M. Bison is the source of one of my earliest true sexual memories/hints that I was gay. He had a cool cape, some neat boots, and I distinctly remember thinking “I wonder what he’d look like without all that stuff on.” I won’t go as far as to say I actively wanted to Shadaloose my virginity to him, but there were some definite downstairs feelings.
Judge me if you must. But I gotta keep it real.
What’s in a name? I can only assume E. Honda is Japanese for E. Handjob, wherein the E stands for Excellent. Have you ever been digitally stimulated at the speed of light? No. You haven’t. But now you want to.
Based on objective skillset, Dhalsim should clearly be number one on anybody’s list. And yet… RED FLAGS.
I picture Dhalsim, dripping with sweat, locking eyes with me across a hot yoga studio. He’s levitating, limbs stretching to impossible lengths, fire subtly shooting from his nostrils. “I’m about to take your body on a journey,” he whispers, just loud enough that only I can hear. And I believe him. Why wouldn’t I?
But the thing is, I don’t know if Dhalsim has any limits. Or the ability to have an orgasm in anything approaching a remotely normal manner. Or a trustworthy concept of the average range of human sphinctral elasticity. So I run. I’m not ready.
Guile is hot. Pretty, pretty hot. Maybe his hair is a little dated, but that’s no dealbreaker. Overall, it’s a tried and true equation: Arms + Flexibility + Chiseled Jaw + Uniform = Bone City. My only concern is I don’t think he’s over his ex, whose dogtags he wears 24/7. I don’t wanna play second fuck fiddle in an emotional ghost orchestra. Sorry not sorry.
Blanka has a crazy thicc body, all sorts of international intrigue, and is likely the closest I would ever realistically get to fucking a werewolf, but I just can’t get over how much the dude smells like fish.
Abs. Cool scars. Tall. That’s all well and good. Sagat loses out by being incredibly predictable and WAY too verbal. Do you really want to hear “Tiger! Tiger! Tiger! Tiger Fuckyourbutt!” over and over on a hard 6/8 for 4 to 15 minutes?
Worldwide Consensus: Balrog is Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson is gross. Gross means 144. 144 is the Angel Number for the name Joanne. Joanne is an average album by Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga did a duet album with Tony Bennett. Tony Bennett was born in Astoria, Queens. And you queens likely assume I’m going somewhere with this. I’m not. Just like I’m not going anywhere with Balrog.
Ugh. Vega. So vain. So withholding. So closed off. Wallhumper lives in a fucking cage, for Christ’s sake. He’s the type of asshole your mom warned you about. He’s the type of asshole who believes in “peacocking,” “negging,” and all sorts of other The Game style fuckery. He’s the type of asshole who thinks Future’s Mask Off was written about him. He’s the type of asshole who thinks Social Media Influencer is an actual job. He’s the type of asshole who bleaches his asshole.
Pubic Service Announcement:
If you want to fuck Ryu, it says something about you. Something terrible. Something nearly irredeemable.
It says you don’t believe in love.
It says you believe in convenience. It says you want the easiest character with the best moves, the lazily obvious first-choice hero of the narrative, the quarterback, the prince, the anointed trust-fund-nonsense-genetic-lottery-winner, the person that never had to try in life and never will.
Ryu is insufferable. And if you want to fuck him, so are you.
Unless you choose Ken. The only thing worse than Ryu is Ken.
by Josh Bard
So sue me, I have a type, and that type is ladies. But I don’t want Chun-Li to feel like just a literal booby prize or someone who I’m sticking it to, just to stick it to those douches from Gamer gate. Chun-Li has the goods, and by goods I mean good legs (think Carrie Underwood), good hair (think Princess Leia buns), and good arms (think Michelle Obama).
Capcom blessed Chun-Li’s with her Lightning Kick special move. If you have to ask how it works, you probably can’t afford to have it done to you.
I might be basic for this one, but Ryu is the easy choice here. He’s good looking, he’s strong, he’s a great fighter, and he looks like a genuinely good intentioned dude. Ryu is the prototypically heteronormative “women want him and men want to be him” guy. He’s a guy you could trust and be proud to usher you into your first M4M sexual encounter. Ryu is in the brotherhood of guys you would brag to your straight buddies about and not get shit for, just like Tom Brady, Tom Hardy, and Tom Selleck.
Plus, there’s that fireball! HADOUKEN! If you can summon a fireball from your hands, you can summon all sorts of intergalactically erotic things.
Long hair, great legs, draped in purple, AND a mask? Would I even be gay for fucking Vega? Is there a remote chance this is another Mulan situation?
Regardless, Vega is hot. The man is a Spanish bullfighter, and if I’ve learned anything from Madonna music videos, those guys leave you with some pretty steamy memories.
Vega’s biggest downfall is the wolverine-like claw, which is downright dangerous in most sexual settings. Sorry for being a prude but I don’t like my fictional, cartoon sex to end at the fictional, cartoon E.R.
M. Bison is a boss. You don’t get to just fuck M. Bison, you have to fuck a bunch of people before getting a chance to fuck him. Now that’s what I call demonstrating value.
His best move is turning his entire body into a blue orb of energy, and while blue balls are not recommended, EVER, M. Bison’s release is enough to finish anyone around him. Nail in the coffin, M. Bison is tall and fit and he dresses well–so well that even the 8-bit version of him is more stylish than I can pull off, IRL.
Honestly, I don’t deserve M. Bison.
I probably hate Guile, who, if he were alive today, would absolutely wear a MAGA hat and tell Dhalsim to go back to Mexico. So, chalk this one up to a hate fuck.
But lets state the obvious: He is a veteran. He is hard bodied. And he is most definitely a banger. He is the amalgamation of the best physical parts of the Jersey Shore guys, and also the amalgamation of the worst emotional parts of the Jersey Shore guys.
Bonus points, because I never would have to hang out with him for too long, as he would be gone by the end of (whatever the Air Force version is of) Fleet Week. But as someone who also likes to shout “SONIC BOOM” during climax, maybe we could find some common ground.
Have you ever had sex with someone who you know, for a fact, had a more attractive looking sibling? Nothing about Ken is better than anything about Ryu, so it’s hard to want to even bother with this knock-off He-Man.
Now, here is what Ken can do well. Something called the Flying Dragon Punch, which seems like a more exotic, international version of a Donkey Punch. Plus, with those blond locks, it is undeniable that Ken looks good in red. As a straight guy, I can see a situation where, from behind, I might confuse him with Princess Diana or someone.
Zangief is from the USSR, so fucking him is some high level treasonous shit, like giving steroids to Drago, or hiding the alleged Trump pee tape. But isn’t that part of the rush?
Here’s what we know: Big Z is a bear and I’d seriously hope that sex with Zangief would not leave me in the same condition as Leo after the attack in The Revenant. Zangief is basically all muscles, scars, and a red sack packed so tight, you’d swear it’s full of Santa’s toys.
Worst case scenario, I will just close my eyes and pretend I’m with Gronk?
We’re all at least curious about this one, right? If you are anything like me, you are trying to figure out how it would even be physically possible to have sex with E. Honda.
Well, here’s how. First, Edmund Honda would take me out to a lovely sushi dinner. Second, Edmund would undress me, probably with the customary delicateness that Japanese culture dictates. Finally, Eddy would lay me down on the sumo mat, gently, and do this:
On second thought, maybe this is a little too high.
Dhalsim is spiritual and shit, which may make him an inventive and generous lover, but I am going to need him to take off the necklace with three skulls. I don’t have a lot of rules but I dont fuck witch-doctors. Dhalsim is a straight up freak. He looks like if hunger strike Ghandi never missed shoulders day at the gym.
And you know what they say about a guy with 20-foot-long arms and legs? He won’t let anyone close to him. Seriously Dhalsim, you have intimacy problems and you need to talk to someone about them.
Blanka is probably not human, which isn’t a total dealbreaker, now that I saw “The Shape of Water” and understand bathtub sex is probably better with only one human involved.
Blanka has a big time posture problem, but honestly, I think I am more turned off by the fire-orange hair and the slime-green body. In the end, neither of them scare me as much as his unrelenting temper and ability to turn fully electric. Do you really think Blanka is the type of guy thing that you could trust with a safeword?
Sagat’s torso scar looks like the world’s biggest vagina, and yet, here he is near the bottom of my list. Sagat seems like the worst of everything. He’s old, he’s mean, he’s ugly, and he’s already sweaty before we’ve even begun Round 1.
And then there is the eyepatch. No one in an eyepatch ever deserves to get laid. EVER. The sheer lack of depth perception is worrisome. I wouldn’t even masturbate if I was wearing an eye patch.
Balrog was obviously created to look like Mike Tyson, and if there’s anything we know about sex with Mike Tyson, is that it’s famously not always consensual.
Just look at the way Balrog dresses with his cut off jorts and cut off jean shirt. He’s stuck in the 80’s (but not in the cute fantasy “San Junipero” way.) This is a guy who only cares about fighting. He’d rather spend a night sparring a heavy bag than sparring my heavy bag.
by N. Alysha Lewis
A yoga master who can stretch his limbs?! Bitch, please—Dhalsim is the obvious No. 1 as he’d clearly be the best at sex. Plus, he’s one of the only Street Fighters clocking in at a reasonable height. I’ve done my time when it comes to boning down with dudes who are taller than me by a full foot or more, and I’d like to avoid that if I can.
I do have a question, though. Is it a definite that he’d breathe a fire blast upon climax? Because that is . . . not ideal. Literally everything in a bedroom is flammable. I guess I’d just keep a fire extinguisher close by?
The other drawback is that we’re both married. While the sex would probably be phenomenal, David-Bowie tantric stuff, I’m not sure it’d be worth breaking up our respective holy unions. The man has kids, for God’s sake. They need their family intact.
Despite my aforementioned rule about not wanting to bang anyone over 6 feet tall, I’d roll around with Zangief. He may be from Russia, but I doubt he’s palling around with Putin, and he’s got a sense of humor. And his Wreck-It Ralph appearance made the act of crushing men’s skulls like sparrow egg between his thighs seem so charming. I’m into it.
Those thighs are a bit concerning though… That’s a lot of power.
Speaking of thighs!
On paper, Chun-Li is a 10. She’s smart, she’s fabulous, she’s a top-notch Interpol agent, and she’s hot AF. I can see why she’d be anyone’s first pick. But, here’s the problem:
She’s at the top of my husband’s list. And thinking of him thinking of me having sex with Chun-Li is just . . . no. I don’t want to be involved in his sexual fantasies. You don’t know Lawrence, but trust me: Few people will want to actively participate in what his brain can conjure.
So, sorry, Chun-Li, but I can’t just jump into bed with you. There’s a lot at stake. Call me when my husband is asleep 😉
There’s a lot wrong with Ryu. He’s a “wandering martial artist”—commitment issues, much? He’s also extremely serious, and the fact that his style of karate translates to “assassin fist” is questionable.
But, here’s the thing . . . I’m very intrigued by his whole “constantly battling the evil within” situation. That has to pay off sexually, right??
I don’t really have fantasies, but it just seems like something you’d HAVE to try. I don’t think this darkness would turn into a *violent* sexual fetish, but it’d definitely be more than your run-of-the-mill, straight-laced sex.
Plus, his face is better than…
First off, I don’t like blondes. There’s been one (maybe two) in my lifetime I’ve been attracted to. So, that’s strike one. Secondly, he’s a trust fund baby whose face leads me to believe he’s had the thought “I’ve never HAD to roofie anyone. I just felt like it,” more than once.
This dude is a selfish fuck, no doubt.
BUUUUT. I can’t say that selfish fuckers aren’t still GOOD fuckers. Because the sexually active rarely know better, selfish lays are ALWAYS getting their bedposts notched. And I feel like that means, even though they don’t deserve it, they still know what they’re doing down there. So, as much as I would hate looking at his face before, during, and after, and as much as I believe he would be in it to win it for his own sense of self, I feel like I’d come out of it at least a little bit satisfied.
And he DOES have a sense of humor. That’s not nothing.
I can’t support this bro. He absolutely seems the type of military guy who would’ve voted for Trump. Plus, have you seen the hair? Not only that, but his face is huge—Ben Affleck huge—and I feel like his noise level sexually would be either creepily silent or the kind of egregious sounds that bodybuilders make when they’re lifting weights at the gym. None of that is turning me on.
But I’d still have sex with him over…
I’m sorry. He seems like a nice guy and a great hugger. But there’s no way I’m banging him. I’m really concerned that he’d talk about sumo A LOT in the moment. He’d try to convince me that his sumo prowess somehow translates into sexual prowess. But sumo is, in essence, just pushing up on dudes. That sounds like he’d have one move in the bedroom, and I think I’d end up just feeling very squished instead of aroused.
TOO FUCKING TALL. Seven and a half feet? I think not, my friend. Imagine the dick on this guy.
I appreciate that he’s fully in daddy territory and that he’s trying to make amends after working for M. Bison, plus being baller at Muay Thai is likely a great indication of his sexual ability (aka top notch) but it’s just not going to work for me. The height kills it. Find a taller lady.
Green is my favorite color, but this is a hard no. I feel bad because I don’t want to be yet another person who passes on Blanka because he’s technically feral . . . But I also feel like that would translate to some weird sexually transmitted diseases that no doctor’s office is prepared for. I care about my health.
I’d gladly take part in a little electroshock therapy, though, if he were able to harness his electro-powers in that way. My brain could use a reboot.
So, these fools are tied for last. Here’s why: THEY’RE ALL UNDER ASSUMED IDENTITIES. Originally, the character we know was Balrog was M. Bison because, you know, he’s the spitting goddamn image of Mike Tyson and wasn’t even trying to hide it. Bison, meanwhile, went by Vega, and Vega was Balrog.
WHY DID YOU ALL SWAP NAMES?! What are you hiding?! This is some shady-ass shit, and I’m not about to hop into bed with anyone who’s not even telling me their real name!
But beyond that, they’ve all got dubious qualities that make it unlikely I would want to get down and dirty with them, even if they were using the right names. With “Balrog,” I would just be thinking about LOTR the whole time, and the thought of fucking a gigantic fire demon makes my arousal levels crumble faster than a bridge in Khazad-dûm. So, that’s a no.
“Vega” is over here looking like how I imagine Viserys Targaryen sees himself, and that is a level of self-absorbed douchebaggery that I can’t support, no matter how lithe and capable he seems.
Finally, M. Bison is just a bad dude. My lady parts don’t give admission to people who are literal dictators, and I think we can all accept as fact that he would likely use his psychic powers to force me into sex. It’s a no for me, dawg.