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It feels like Halloween has been on hiatus the past two years, doesn’t it? As case numbers rose, our ability to have a “normal” Halloween steeply declined. Do you think I’d welcome children, who are normally dirty, disease-ridden beasts in normal times, to come to my door and share BREATH with me during a deadly, worldwide pandemic?

The answer is “FUCK NO.” And it allowed me to rationalize eating four bags of Reese’s pumpkins in one sitting by myself.

But as the years barreled on, and we isolated ourselves through two Halloweens (and one subpar Halloween sequel streaming on Peacock, of all places), pop culture kept chugging along. And with that, we have two years of sexy (read: slutty) costumes to catch up on.

I know if I get invited to a Halloween party this year, I’m going (Bivalent Boosted Bitch over here; I’m collecting vaccines like Pokemon cards) and plan on going as a slutty unicorn before I’m required to show up as a mature, professional unicorn at work on Monday. I didn’t buy Pride 2020 Speedos for nothing.

With that out of the way, The Prompt’s resident #HorrorBitch presents an incomplete and growing list of sexy Halloween costumes for 2022.

Sexy January 6th Insurrectionist

You know SOMEONE is going to be THAT guy or gal—thinking they are totally owning the libs by slapping on a caveman costume with viking horns and proudly declaring they are the QAnon Shaman by the punch bowl… but sexier? Who cares if you’re seditious when you can look delicious?!

Sexy Wordle

Slutty is too many letters, so I expect some random girl to show up in a revealing bathing suit with the word THOTS spelled out on the last line… immediately drawing your attention to her crotch. No, it’s not subtle; that’s too many letters.

Sexy Squid Game

I don’t care how sexy you look, if you refer to it as “Squid Games,” I’m immediately flaccid. There ARE a lot of opportunities here—a contestant… the guards… but I dare someone to go as a sexy version of the Red Light/Green Light ginormous robot lady.

Sexy Corn

It’s corn! It has the juice. Works as a costume… and a pick up line. At least after a few pumpkin beers.

Sexy Wifi

As we all adjusted to completely remote or ongoing hybrid work, we all know you’re guaranteed to go down on us when we need it the most.

Sexy James Madison’s Crystal Flute

Make your MAGA neighbors apoplectic again!

Sexy Purple M&M

I know.  This seems redundant. What a PIECE!

See above. Especially if your neighbor is Tucker Carlson.

Sexy Eddie Munson

Let’s be honest here. Just SHOW UP as Eddie Munson and if you’re having a problem finding an Eleven for your Hawkins, you’ll have a Demigorgon in your Upside Down by the end of the night.

Sexy Candy Corn

Classic. Evergreen. Ageless. At least you can guarantee you’ll go home with someone that has good taste, because only people who like candy corn know what they are talking about.

Sexy (Zombie?) Queen Elizabeth

Too soon? I think I just declared war with Britain.

Sexy Anna Delvey

Not much of a stretch for me. I often attend parties asking them why they are so basic and telling them they look poor.

Sexy NFT

I don’t even know what this means. But, I guess it guarantees some bros will never shut up about you, Bitcoin, and bourbon like they have a fucking clue.

Sexy Bernie at the Inauguration

I just really feel we missed our chance with this one… and I really want to see someone try. Bring us back to simpler times.

Sexy Jessica Fletcher/Mrs. Potts/Miss Price

You owe it to Angela Lansbury.

Sexy Prompt Writer

Just dress up as Josh Bard. #Flirty.

Eric Mochnacz

A wizard of pop culture. A prince of snark. A delightful addition to any dinner party.

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