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Holy shit, people. Holy fucking shit.

It’s been a week and I’m still numb. The votes are cast and there’s no going back. I am not surprised by what “we’ve” done as a country. I am dismayed.

For worse or for worse, this is where we’re at right now.

There are a lot of well-meaning theories floating around in the LibBubble concerning how to immediately fix the Trump problem. None of them are going to work, though. There is no instant solution.

But, I’m nothing if not a team player.

So, in the spirit of togetherness, I’d like put my own reactionary solution out there.


I know what you’re thinking. Hear me out.

First off, preparing to run an actual human being for President in four years has a higher chance of succeeding than this current bullshit Facebook share-culture activism (i.e., signing a petition to have the Electoral College bend to the will of the popular vote or employing some obscure loophole to forcefuck Bernie Sanders into the White House).

Second, the bar has been set. Trump proved you can get elected by using fame, Pavlovian repetition, and rhetoric to activate a party’s base (and white people’s baser prejudices). You no longer need experience in politics, you just need to be political.

Third, and most importantly, I think he’d actually do it.

Why choose Kanye? In a word: conscience.


Fuck conscience. As good as the whole “When they go low, we go high” rhetoric made us all feel, turns out, it’s not effective. Sorry, Michelle. We’re in the shit, now. It’s time to go low. Fight fire with fire. Or better yet, fire tracks and fire emojis.

In this new America, a place where we’ve suddenly all accepted that facts and accountability don’t matter, I’m betting it takes a monster to fight a monster.

Americans crave this shit. Freddy vs. Jason. Alien vs. Predator. Statue of Liberty vs. Stay Puft. Balboa vs. Drago. Kramer vs. Kramer. Choose your preferred narrative (though we should all know enough about racial tropes to avoid using King Kong vs. Godzilla).

Yeezus vs. Drumpf. New York vs. Chicago. Adidas vs. Macy’s. Grab ‘em By the Pussy vs. Pussy In a Sarcophagus. Motherfucking Monster vs. Daughterfucking Monster.

What makes Kanye the right man to take back the White House? It’s how eerily similar he is to The Donald. Don’t believe me? Would it help if I made you a chart?


Kanye vs. Trump is not only the battle we need, it’s probably the one we deserve.

This is level we’re at, now. An elected “world leader” beefing with a newspaper on Twitter.


So based on this, Kanye’s obviously up for the job.


If Kanye ran, I swear to you he would win. You might not want him to, and that’s fine. But he would. He can do for us what no politician can. He can go for the throat. He already has.

He’s like Trump, but stronger. Self aware. He doesn’t take no for an answer. He understands the dangers of autocracy. Versed on foreign policy. Unlike Trump, he’s a straight up genius.

Yes. A genius. Go download a free trial of Tidal and listen to Ultralight Beam. Fucking do it. I’ll wait here. Forever.

I refuse to believe that a man who can make a song like that AND a song like this, a man who’s somehow simultaneously a maniac AND a decent human being, would lose to a shit-eating-apricot-skinbag who’s still most famous for this.

For all the movie references I made earlier, here’s one I actually believe in:

America has become Jurassic Park. Bernie and Warren are Drs. Grant and Sattler. Trump and his clown car full of climate change deniers, Islamophobes, gay-haters, and race-baiters are the velociraptors. Kanye is the T-Rex. He’s the monster that can ultimately save us.

Tomorrow, I’m probably going to wake up and realize the road back is going to be long and grinding. It would be better for America to take advice from a George Harrison song than a Kanye track if we want to claw our way out of this pit.

But today?

Today, I’m sick and tired of screaming “WHY GOD WHY?” Today, there is a wild attraction to the concept of an unsure thing. Of letting it ride. Of taking a chance. Of believing in maybe.

Trump started out with nothing but a maybe. If last Tuesday taught us anything, it’s that maybe is all you really need. Because if enough people get behind a maybe, no matter how ridiculous it might have sounded at first, there’s no telling what can happen.

Sky’s the limit.


Gordon St. Raus

Gordon St. Raus peaked at 15 and is mostly held together by masking tape.

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