Elijah Sloan
MeetElijah Sloan
Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

From the mind of Elijah

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{Year in Review}: 66 Million B.C.

Ugh, 2017. THE.WORST. amirite? But don’t panic. If past is prologue, then we’ll be totally fine. Right? Just ask the dinos from 66 million B.C.

Elijah Sloan
September 27, 2024
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Todd’s Facebook Profile {Photographs}: A Retrospective on Self-Portraits

Todd Guberman is deleting his Facebook. For real this time. We reflect on the impact his profile pics leave on the art world. We’ll miss you, Todd.

Elijah Sloan
November 9, 2023
Prompts, Wildcard
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Too Spooky to Try: {Pumpkin Spice} and Nothing Nice!

Pumpkin spice? Here? NOW?! No thank you! How can it possibly be delicious when it’s all orange and spicy and SPOOKY? BLARGH!

Elijah Sloan
October 26, 2023
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Your Application for a {Time-Travel} {Passport}

If you have already applied for a time-travel passport, but changes to the timeline wiped that application from existence, you will have to reapply. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Elijah Sloan
June 1, 2023
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Secret Lovers: A {Celebrity Crush} on the Unknown

You know what’s hotter than being hot? Being completely unknown. Some celebrity crushes—like Banksy, the Zodiac Killer, and the Monster with 21 Faces—are better off mysterious.

Elijah Sloan
April 25, 2023
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{Kids These Days} are So Entitled! Commentary from an 800 Year-Old

800 years from now, the generation of blood-slaves forgot the virtue of giving back to their immortal overlords. And you thought Millennials were bad?

Elijah Sloan
April 3, 2023
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Me Against the Planet: Punching, Murder, Recycling, and {Vengeance} (in that order)

THE PLANET IS OUT TO GET ME. And I’m not just going to stand here while it plots against me and my family. I’m coming out punching.

Elijah Sloan
March 14, 2023
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A Terrorist Network of {Pet Peeve} Artists

You think you can escape our open-mouth chewing? Our close-talking? YOU CAN’T. This terrorist network is everywhere. You cannot escape.

Elijah Sloan
July 20, 2022
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{What If} This Cashier Thinks I’m An Idiot?

You know that thing when the cashier says “enjoy your meal” and you think they’re going to say “have a great day” so you say “YOU TOO”? God, I’m an I

Elijah Sloan
June 30, 2022
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