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You think you’re safe?


Safe in your ivory tower of social niceties and etiquette school-trained colleagues?

Hah HAH.

Guess again.

We are everywhere. We Are Legion.

An omnipresent anarchist collective seeping through the cracks in society.

We will bring the world to its knees, one person at a time.

Our demands: None.

Our methods: Deadly.

You think the police can help you? The military? The government?

Hah hah HAH.

We’re not so foolish. We know how to avoid the antiquated and feeble legal system.

Oh, sorry, is it hard to read this manifesto with that man speaking loudly into his cell phone right next to you?


His repetitive statements and annoying tone dropped in a public setting are specifically designed to BREAK you.

In public, you might avoid him.

But in the bathroom?


These strikes CAN and WILL come at ANY TIME.

They are the initial cracks that will SHATTER the false veneer of this VILE and TYRANNICAL society of FOOLS.

And it’s not just strangers in a park.

At work, we are your colleagues, interrupting you—

Getting WAY too close to you when we talk—

Saying your joke that nobody heard, and this time, EVERYONE will laugh.

Are you finally starting to SEE what we are CAPABLE of?

We will even go so far as to befriend you.

We will work our way into your inner circles.

In fact, we already HAVE.

We will thump you on the back EVERY single time we see you, FRIEND, just a LITTLE too hard.

We will get lunch with you.

We will even BUY lunch. Today, it’s on US.

And the whole time, we will be chewing, LOUDLY, with our mouths WIDE OPEN.

We will meet up with you to see a movie, and we will be late.
We will ask for a full recap of what has happened, and never stop asking you, “Who is that?”

We have agents in your home. Roommates. Visiting relatives. Houseguests.

They will eat your food, and make sure it is something you were specifically saving for later.

They have been TRAINED to do so. And they WILL NOT FAIL.

You think you can stop us? You think you can catch us?

Before you can even get to us, we’ll be driving away in our previously double-parked car.

You’ll be stuck behind another agent of terror, driving slow in the fast lane, and when you try to get around, he’ll cut you off without even using a blinker.

Behind you?

One of ours. Tailgating. With one blinker permanently on, even though he is clearly not changing lanes.

We have hacked major servers. To steal information? No, no.

We just want to slow down your wifi.

We have infiltrated major tech industries in SENIOR level positions.

Our movement’s proudest moment? It was our idea to put ads on YouTube.

There will come even worse atrocities, yet. But for now….

We smoke downwind of you.

We never wear deodorant.

We leave our mouths wide open when we sneeze and cough.

In fact: We drink milk constantly, just to stay nice and phlegmy.

We never pick up after our dogs.

We never wash our hands.

If you’re on the go, we will always find a place in the middle of a walkway to stop moving.

Take the train to avoid us?


The plane?

That seat in front of you is set to recline.

You can’t escape.

We will never stop.

We have only two things to say to you:

Your doomed.

And their is nothing you can do to stop us.

Elijah Sloan

Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

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