Prompt Images
CNN used to be “The Most Trusted Name in News” because, frankly, it was the only name in cable news. Nowadays, people get the news on their tablets, on their phones, via apps, and from listening to rock and roll music while stomping around on my front lawn. So now, CNN has to compete for viewers’ attention.
In their efforts to stay relevant, they’ve put their pursuit of good ratings above good journalism. CNN has tried almost everything, and pretty often, the result is a disaster. The kind of disaster they’d want to provide exclusive 24/7 coverage.
Forgive them, father, for these are their 7 Deadly CNNs.
1. Beating a Dead Horse Passenger Jet
Basically, the news game went and changed, and CNN is still running in circles, chasing its tail, or at least trying to find that missing Malaysian Airlines plane. Just short of 3 years later, CNN was almost ready to put this one to bed.
CNN’s exhaustive, exploitative, extraneous coverage of Flight 370, is just one of the many sins for which the network should be excoriated.
2. Extreme Misuse of “Breaking News”
You do not have to be a journalism major to understand the concept of “Breaking News.” Those two words insinuate that a matter is immediate, important, and worthy of interrupting your day. The news may not force you to called a loved one, but it should stop you in your tracks. There is legitimate breaking news every day that is worth of our attention.
But as any boy who cried wolf knows, using “Breaking News” too often only leads to problems. For example:
ORRRRR
Here I can clearly see that Wolf Blitzer is very clearly NOT in a tunnel and thus CNN’s graphic is either erroneous or deceiving. One day Wolf might actually get stuck in a tunnel or even fall down a well. And when CNN tells Lassie to go alert the firefighters of this breaking news, they will take their sweet ass time get to the scene.
DAD JOKE WARNING: Call this the “Boy who cried Wolf Blitzer” scenario.
3. Too Many Experts = No Real Experts
Just like overusing “Breaking News,” CNN lacks a deft touch when it comes to utilizing its on-air experts. We thirst for knowledge and demand as much “expertise” as we can get, and unfortunately, CNN obliges.
CNN often appears to be recreating the title credits for The Brady Bunch, filling your screen with a grid of heads. But on CNN, they’re not all singing in harmony.
Here’s something that actually aired on the network:
While this may actually qualify as “Breaking News,” trying to figure out who talking gives me a migraine. But wait, it gets bigger!
Here are six talkers:
Here’s a 7-box:
And here’s CNN’s version of breaking out the good china for special occasions:
Besides feeling like an goofy cross between A Clockwork Orange and a really nerdy page of Where’s Waldo (so many stripes!), CNN is does a severe disservice to its viewers, showering us in a soccer team’s worth of voices. For every additional “expert,” CNN actually cuts at their credibility, adding noise until the viewer doesn’t know who is saying what, who is reporting versus theorizing, and whether this is actually Anderson Cooper’s audition tape for NBC’s Gulliver’s Travels reboot.
CNN often needs to be saved from itself, and it is never more apparent than the most important nights of the year. If CNN was so busy patting itself on the back for acquiring so much on-air talent, it might have more time to learn how to edit.
4. Hiring Corey Lewandowski
Speaking of CNN and their propensity for bad hires…
Just three days after Lewandowski was fired as Donald Trump’s campaign manager (for allegations of assaulting media members verbally and physically), CNN scooped him up as a political commentator.
Lewandowski was brought on to even-out the suggested (and obvious) anti-Trump leanings of CNN and to provide valuable understanding from inside Trump HQ. But Lewandowski was never the right fit, as his common defense of Trump ran without the benefit of inside information. And coming from a campaign that vilified the media as the “Enemy of the American People,” it should have been no surprise that Lewandowski resigned his post, a fitting 3 days after Donald Trump defeated Hillary Clinton.
5. Addicted to Clickbait
It’s not just television where CNN has eroded its trustworthiness. No matter what day you click to their website, I know what you’ll find.
It will start with a couple bold, political headlines at the top. Then your eyes will flow down to the section “News and Buzz,” which might as well be called, “Things We Found on the Internet.” Items like: “(Entertainer’s Name) Can’t Stop Worrying About Vaping.” Or “How These Six (Teachers / Doctors / Carpenters / or Other Everyday Professionals) Will Never be the Same.”
You will also find a “Recommended” list of links that will inevitably contain an outsourced or re-written story about the health benefits of wine, chocolate, fast-food, or kale. And if you still crave more (consult a mental health physician), you may scroll far enough to find a story that suggests someone has a “big, dark secret” or someone “reflecting on a troubled past.”
It’s news Mad Libs. Formulaic, predetermined junk occupying the homepage for one of the most watched cable news channels. Meanwhile, journalism all around is dying.
6. Editorializing in Cutlines
CNN’s cutlines, or lower thirds, are the text-based graphics that accompany the given story. A pattern developed during the 2016 election, where CNN began to author cute cutlines, poking fun at the circus.
Take this one:
Or these four, which seem more than a tad bit biased:
OK, I’m going to admit that even though this is another abominable CNN-ism, I also kind of like it. Sue me!
7. Celebrity Holograms Delivering News
I am sure that in will.i.am’s obituary, his accomplishments will include:
1) Black Eyed Peas frontman.
2) Rocking some mink boots in the summertime.
3) CNN’s maiden hologram reporter.
During the 2008 election, CNN tried to wow us with the most unnecessary of innovations. For no obvious reason, CNN trotted out hologram technology.
First, correspondent Jessica Yellin spoke to Wolf Blitzer. And then—I guess because CNN just wanted the cool kids to notice—will.i.am, spoke with Anderson Cooper, both holograms originating in Chicago.
While the hologram technology may have been revolutionary, the interviews were choppy and distracting. Cooper told the audience that the reason for hologram.i.am was to prevent the noise of the crowds in Grant Park, but the real will.i.am was not in the park; he was in a studio. Stop overcompensating! It just looks desperate.
Thankfully, CNN has held off the overindulgence off their superduper hologram technology, only occasionally hitting us with 3D exit polls, or that time they turned a missile into Tom Foreman’s [NSFW].
Sky rocket in flight, Afternoon delight!
Obviously, any channel that has to fill 24 hours, 7 days a week is going to make mistakes. But if CNN wants to be the respected, news-driven, trusted source it claims to be, they need to repent for these deadly CNNs. Then again, with Jeff Zucker in charge of things, we may need to lean into that hologram technology. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re our only hope!
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