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So you’re thinking of creating a self-destructing manifesto. The problem is, as soon as your message goes boom, you don’t control it anymore. As the world takes your narrative and spins it out of control, beware of flying debris: the labels, the snap judgements, and worse, the portrayal of you.

I know you have something important to say about the horrifying trends of our society, but if you want to be heard and respected, you’ve got to be Brad Pitt in Fight Club. You can’t be Ted Kaczynski in a cabin in the wilderness or your anti-vaxxing Aunt Daphne and her bi-annual email appeals. That’s why you’ve reached out to me, who has helped hundreds of “visionaries” transform themselves, so that they can transform their message.

My role is not to edit your words, but instead to rework your vibe.

You’ve worked your whole life on your manifesto. Now let me work on the man.

(Business note—while I am an equal opportunity employer, manifestos have been a male-driven business throughout history. It’s not called a womanifesto, is it?)

People are afraid to say it, but the real reason Brad Pitt’s Tyler Durden in Fight Club was so successful as a skyline dropping anarchist was because he was also a panty dropper.

Sex appeal isn’t everything, but when you round up, it pretty much is.

The movie’s Project Mayhem may have been founded on anti-capitalist ideals but was fortified by Brad Pitt’s commitment to those washboard abs. Why do you think he was always fighting shirtless?

A unique, world-bending mind like yours isn’t likely to have a gym membership or a rejuvenating skin care regimen, but that doesn’t mean you can’t reach Durden levels of success. For example, did you read Common Sense by Thomas Paine? We still learn about it in history class not because it was such a revolutionary page turner. It’s not still part of the curriculum because of the catchy, creative title.

That guy was a fox and he never did a burpee in his life.

This guy fucked.  (courtesy of Library of Congress)

Fun fact: Thomas Paine’s birth name was Thomas Panostutz. Panostutz doesn’t pop. Panostutz doesn’t roll off the tongue. But Thomas Paine? That guy pops, tongues, and doesn’t stop. Look what a little rebranding can do for your effort! Had I worked with Ted Kaczynski, you would know the Unabomber by the much more affable, Teddy Cats.

Your vibe should convey confidence and charisma too.

After all, you aren’t asking for permission to upend humanity. You aren’t sitting around waiting for the world to give you signs to make the first move. You gotta know how to march in, grab civilization by its flaws, and lay your manifesto on them like they’ve never been manifested before!

You may be saying, “Not everyone can be brimming with the steely magnetism of Tyler Durden or Thomas Paine.” But that’s just negative self-talk! I get that you feel isolated by society and that this may be your last hurrah. You need to remember that you think differently and better than others. With a little coaching, we’ll take you from inflicting harm to addicting charm.

Remember: you are fixing an institutionalized wrong!

That’s worth something! I recently skimmed Martin Luther’s Wikipedia entry and that guy had a diet of Worms and still sparked a Protestant Revolution with his “95 Theses.” If he could eat worms, amass a following, and still start a religious revolution, nothing is out of the realm of possibility for you.

Speaking of eating worms, the next step is getting your nutrition right! The benefits are not only physically tangible (again, check out Tyler Durden’s abs) but can stabilize your mental health. A proper diet shows your potential supporters that you can handle a balancing act.

Don’t forget! Your image is as important as your words, even if it doesn’t seem like that right now. Even if that feels counterintuitive to your whole “thing.” A few proactive decisions early on can reset your revolution on a path straight to success. I look forward to working more with you, and helping your manifesto target its maximum audience. But remember, if you want to fix everybody start by fixing yourself. Let’s take that first step together.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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