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We, the Younger Siblings of America, are on strike. On strike from your condescension, on strike from your stern talkings to, and on strike from being your second thought. Below is the list of demands we at YSoA have drafted and agreed upon:

(It’s funny how easy it is to agree on things when stupid, annoying, bossy older siblings aren’t getting in the way!)

Article 1. – The Older Sibling

I. No more hand-me-downs.

We aren’t saying we won’t take any old clothes, but the transactions must be consensual and we, as younger siblings, are not required to take them. Additionally, that they are not to be called hand-me-downs, or secondhand, or twice-loved, or anything that suggests a sloppy-second nature. Also, not to be too materialistic but our toys and wardrobe must stay above 60/40 new-to-used ratio, unless prior consent is granted.

II. When playing make believe, we will not accept parts no one else wants.

Any desirable roles will be subject to auditions with an impartial arbiter. Representation matters!

III. All allowance wage scales should account for inflation and the changing Federal Reserve interest-rates.

We will not accept anything less than what we deserve in the current marketplace, as it would hurt future younger siblings’ starting points. Studies show that the biggest predictor of financial success is early adoption.

IV. Speaking of adoption, cut it out with those jokes.

We are your real brothers and sisters, and mom and/or dad love us just as much.

V. When playing basketball, it is not allowed to put your hand on our foreheads, arm outstretched, and hold the ball over your head.

In fact, that move is illegal in any activity heretofore and in perpetuity.

VI. Front seat rotations are only fair.

We will concede a slight majority of rides, but must receive a minimum of 1 out of 3 rides in the front seat. However, if this is a “shotgun” game family, then merit will be the only determining factor. Obviously, front seat picks the music, but back seat always gets 3 vetoes.

VII. The “you were there first” excuse can only get you so far.

We’re not trying to go all Christopher Columbus on you, but nowhere in the Constitution does it actually say that possession is nine-tenths of the law.

A. Demand VIII – Subsection A

We formally denounce any manipulation and trickeration used to get a younger sibling to do something. Timing us, betting us we can’t, or comparing us to others is a vindictive practice that must be met with a formal censure from mom and/or dad.

VIII. Sometimes we tell mom and/or dad things but that doesn’t make us a tattletale or a snitch.

Those types of antiquated stereotypes further perpetuate inequality. We would expect better from those with all that experience you are always boasting about.

IX. When you leave for college, a room trade is inevitable.

So here is what we are willing to offer:

  1. All manual labor of the move, and recreation of your room
  2. Complete privacy of your objects
  3. To respect the responsibility that comes with the better room, to the same degree that you did
  4. A future trade-back when we go to college and you move back in, doofus

Article 2. Mom and/or Dad

X. We will not be punchline fodder for why you’ve gotten lazier as parents.

That’s on you.

Article 3. Teachers

XI. Yes we did have an older sibling in your class, a few years ago.

No we are not like them, just as we are not assuming you are not like the teacher we had a few years ago. Please throw away all preconceived notions about us, as we were post-conceived and our own person.

These 11 demands are our starting point for any brokering of peace. Hopefully they finally bring us the attention and recognition that we deserve and have been fighting for all these years. Our time in the shadows is over!

Our union representatives and lawyers are available for further explanations but we are sure that won’t be necessary. See you at dinner.


The Younger Siblings of America

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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