Prompt Images
As a firm believer in the white myth of American Exceptionalism, I can’t think of a better way to determine the suitability of our Presidential candidates than throwing them onto a bleak, blacked out soundstage making them compete on an episode of Fear Factor.
Instead of questions about policy or current events, our candidates will be asked to complete terrifyingly American challenges. For example:
- Round One: Drink a glass of Flint Water.
- Round Two: Walk a balance beam in the shape of a gerrymandered Florida district hanging over a pit of alligators on bath salts.
- Round Three: Sit in an enclosed box that’s slowly flooding at the rate our sea-level is supposed to rise thanks to Climate Change.
- Round Four: Order and sit through the satellite feed of a drone-strike where you know there will be civilian casualties.
We need this to be good TV, so “Goodbye bullshit two-party bias!” Everyone is welcome on American Fear Factor! I mean, who doesn’t want to watch Jill Stein potentially get mercury poisoning? Or a paramedic give Gary Johnson mouth-to-mouth because he’s convinced the studio is more likely to careen into the sun than he is to drown in a box that’s filling with water?
But best of all? BEST of all? Four words. Say it with me, y’all: Joseph. James. Joe. Rogan.
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