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Does anyone actually know the right way to meditate? When I ask that I usually get some holier-than-thou response about how I will better my life and existential understanding if I sit quietly with myself for 10 minutes a day.

kJust 10 minutes!

So I tried it once. And now that I’m better than you, someone who has never meditated, allow me to tell you exactly what you need to do to become enlightened.

First and most importantly, sit down in an uncomfortable way.

But in such an uncomfortable way that you outwardly project comfort and ease, especially if you are in a park or public place. The most important thing about meditation is letting any passersby know that you are the most peaceful motherfucker on the goddamn planet.

NEXT, take a deep breath and close your eyes.

Fidget around a little bit until you are in the perfect position. This might take a lot fidgeting throughout the process, actually. After all, since you are meditating now, you might as well be the embodiment of Nirvana itself. Soon. you’ll be better at this than Buddha himself, and someone this great can’t possibly sit perfectly still for 10 minutes. You’ve got too much energy. Plus, you made sure to have two coffees beforehand. The path to enlightenment requires caffeine.

Take a breath.

Open your eyes back up. Pick up your phone. How on Earth are you supposed to know when 10 minutes is up? And what on Earth are you supposed to listen to and think about while you’re meditating anyways?

Open the app store and download a meditation app. The more expensive the better. Obviously. You want complete inner peace, don’t you? Well, it doesn’t come free. Double click. FaceID. Boom. Gandhi never bought a meditation app, so how legit can he be after all?

Alternative option: Open Spotify. Search playlist: Peaceful Rain. Hit play. Hold sidebar button. “Siri, set timer for 10 minutes.”

Look around. Don’t say anything.

But make sure everyone knows you’re about to meditate.

Close your eyes again. Slowly; so they can see how tranquil you are.

Take a breath.

Open your eyes. Take a quick peek to make sure the timer started. You don’t want to be meditating any longer than you actually have to be. Once your get your bliss, you’ve got other more important shit to do. Timer ticking? Okay, good.

Close your eyes again. By this time, everyone around you is astounded by how mindful you are. Take another really deep breath and to impress them even more, raise and lower your shoulders to make sure your audience knows how deep of a breath you actually just took.

Now comes the easy part: Just think about nothing.

Take another breath.

Think about nothing.

Think about nothing.

Think about nothing.

Did someone just walk by? Did they see you meditating?

Think about nothing.

Think about  the song stuck in your head.

…You’ve got designer
⏤ shades
Just to hide your
⏤ face…

Why is Mike Posner stuck in your head? That song is so old. Yeah, but that rhyme is legit, right? How did he come up with that? Sure, shades and face as a slant rhyme is cool but the other lines are 4-5 syllables and they both rhyme. How on Earth do you think to rhyme “de-sign-ner” with “to-hide-your”? Could I ever come up with a tri-syllabic rhyme like that? Probably not. I’ve never rhymed much ev⏤

Damnit. Think about nothing.

Yeah but Mike Posner definitely can’t ride a bike as fast as you.

So there.

Ahhhh right. Nothing.

Nuth⏤ thing.

Is that a dog walking by?

Open your eyes. Take a peek. Only a quick one. Then it’s back to nothing. It is a dog. Golden lab. Cute.

Think about nothing.

Seriously.

Think about no⏤

Remember that girl you dated with a golden lab?

She was crazy right? You definitely didn’t do anything wrong in that relationship, did you? No. No way. You’re meditating. You’re better than that. That dog was dumb too, right? It never even barked. It just whimpered all the time. Dumb. Who needs a dog anyways? Who even wants to date someone with a dog? Not me, of course. Unless the sex is good, of course. Then it’d be worth it.

Think about NOTHING, damnit.

Focus on nothing.

Focus.

Sex was great with that girl though, right? Remember that thing you did? Remember that thing she did? That was so wild. You’re a wild and crazy guy.

Damnit. Don’t raise the flag half-staff while you’re meditating in the park.

Open your eyes. Get a grip. Change positions. That’ll help. Get off the bench and sit Indian-style on the grass next to the bench. Close your eyes. Take a breath. You’re in the fucking-zen-zone now. Do that thing with your fingers that everyone does. What is that for anyways? Nevermind. That’s dumb.

Think about no⏤

Of fuck. Did you just say “Sit Indian-style?” That’s racist, bro. Be cool.

Well what should it be, then? “Sit Native American style?” Is that racist too? You’re an idiot… just say “crossed-legged.” Got it. But you already said Indian-style first, so you’re definitely racist. It’s Okay⏤ maybe Kelaine will edit it out. Doesn’t change the fact you’re racist though. Chill, no one is going to know you said it to yourself. Kelaine wouldn’t miss an edit like that. She’s so cool. And her shit’s fire like every single time. Chick doesn’t miss. She probably meditates too. No one can spit fire like that like every day without meditating. You’ll be that good too, after this 10 minutes of thinking about nothi⏤

Damnit.

Think about nothing. C’mon. Timer is gonna be done soon. Just think about nothing for a little more.

Did you definitely see the timer ticking down though, right? We’ve got shit to do, man.

Yeah. Lot’s of shit.

Think about nothing…

You definitely need to get out on a run right after the timer goes off. You’ve been procrastinating that all day.

Take a breath. Think about nothing.

You’ve got so much work to do today bro. It’s gotta be almost done.

Open your eyes. Check the timer.

6:42… 6:41…. 6:40… It’s counting down. Not up.

Three minutes, twenty seconds; that’s almost ten minutes. Almost-10-minutes is just as good as 10 minutes anyways. Just do the remainder of the time right after all the other shit you’ve got to get done.

That’s it. That’s how you meditate and become a better person than everyone else.

Lastly, get up and grab your phone. You’ll finish meditating later in a better place when the timing is right. Fuck the park anyways. Three minutes and twenty seconds was the perfect time to meditate for right now. You crushed it.

Nice job. You completely dominated that mindfulness session.

And if you had to, you could beat Ghandi in an arm-wrestling match.

Maybe not Buddha though. That guy has some cannons for arms….

Billy Hafferty

Billy Hafferty is probably still hanging out of the passenger side of his best friend's ride trying to holler at you.

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