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Breaking news today sent shockwaves across the basketball world. Jeremy Steinbert will miss the upcoming season as he continues to refuse the COVID-19 vaccine mandated for every player this year. Steinbert continues his loud resistance in the face of the league’s commissioner Greg Stanley.

Steinbert’s team—Adams Middle School Wildcats—was relying on the three-time all star point guard to be their best player and team leader, with many league insiders calling him one of the best young players in the league. We now go live to Jeremy Steinbert who, we are told, is reading a prepared statement from the gymnasium.

“Good afternoon. I wanted you to hear from me, instead of the agenda-laden media, who have botched my message year after year, relying on anonymous sources and rumor mill, instead of ever coming to me for the truth. But what can you expect from a bunch of kids who haven’t even taken a journalism class?

“I will not be playing with the Wildcats this year because I am not vaccinated, nor do I plan to be vaccinated before the season tips off. While I am not anti-science or anti-vaccine, I am not yet ready to put my body on the line. I am doing my own research, as Mrs. Porter, my biology teacher, taught me, by keeping me after school too many friggin days this semester.

“Furthermore, to dispel rumors I heard in the cafeteria today, I am not afraid of needles and I am not a wussy mama’s boy. I have a Zippo in my backpack and once drank some beer in the woods, so do you think I really would be afraid of a needle? Again, this is more fake news slander from the Adams Middle School Gazette, and their editor in chief, Joey Chapman, who is trying to shape a false narrative about me before the big homecoming dance.

“I am young and in great shape and highly unlikely to have any serious effects from COVID. Also no one likes needles. Name me one person who likes needles! The point is that I consider myself extremely lucky to only have to sacrifice a game. There are tons of first responders and medical professionals who give up way more on a daily basis, and it would be nice to see the Gazette take time to celebrate them, but I guess Nurse Mitchell doesn’t sell enough copies.

“With COVID cases on the rise again, I don’t blame Principal Lynch for his vaccine mandate, but I hope she reconsiders as the science and numbers evolve. This is a personal choice and while I don’t expect the muckrakers at the Gazette, nor the Joey Chapmans of the world, to respect that, I hope others will.

“I’ll post more on my TikTok in the coming days. Steinbert, out.”

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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