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Don’t get me wrong, I love helping people with this whole process. Whether they’re strangers, acquaintances, or even close personal friends, nothing brings me more joy than standing next to them as my client and the person they no longer love walk down the courthouse aisle, smiling wide, eyes brimming with joy. There’s so much possibility in that moment. So much joy in a life that they will no longer be lived together.

That’s why I became a divorce lawyer in the first place—that special, magical moment, when two people who became one become two again. When people want to separate, irrevocably, forever, they know Bill Kastanza is the one to call.

And I don’t mean to be selfish. But I just wish that just once, instead of helping others get divorced, I could finally have my special day, when my wife and I can end our incredibly toxic relationship and move on with our lives in a wonderful ceremony that we’ll remember for the rest of our lives.

I think every little boy dreams of the day he’ll finally get divorced. Or at least he does, once he realizes he’s made a terrible mistake with his life. Let’s be honest—even some little girls dream about it, too! At least, they do if that little girl grows up to be my wife, who is incredibly unhappy in our loveless marriage!

Do you know what’s it’s like, seeing all the smiling and relieved faces after a divorce is finalized, and then having to come home to my house, empty, except for my wife and our three children, who are there every night instead of only every other week?

Now, I know you’re thinking Bill, what about your poor children? But you’ve got it all wrong—they’re excited about the prospect of not having to live with both of their parents simultaneously! Our littlest daughter has mentioned numerous times how much she’d love to be the flower girl for the ceremony, throwing roses all over the room before we walk in. She’s aware that divorces don’t have flower girls, she just knows that my wife and I both have terrible pollen allergies, and our hyper-destructive relationship has made all of our children despise us and wish us to suffer.

Our friends and family almost always ask us, “So, when’s the big day? Have either of you popped the question?” The question being, “How did this go on so long?” or, “Why did we ever think this would work?” or, “What are you doing next Thursday? Do you want to get divorced?” I’m not exactly sure which—I’ve never had time to clarify phrasing with my friends and family, because my wife and I are always too busy having a heated argument in a public setting about how she’s emotionally manipulative and now I’m completely unloving and how we both regret everything and never wanted any of this.

Sometimes I think it might never happen for us. But I try to remember that only more and more people are getting divorced. I asked my best friend the other day: When do you think it’s going to happen for me? And he said literally any day now. Can you imagine? Finally, instead of presenting the papers to be signed, it’ll be me signing them. Finally, I’ll have everyone’s eyes on me, as I get this ring off this finger, and walk down the aisle, man and ex-wife.

Elijah Sloan

Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

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