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Now you might be saying to me, “EEE-EEE-Click-Click-EEE-A-A-A-A, there’s no way to categorically rank the top 5 of anything, every listener has their own subjective opinions.” And I say back to you, of course you can!

And this isn’t just due to interspecies cultural differences. As you can see,I am a human being, much like you (exactly like you, in fact). A dolphin human being that has simply had to take another online freelance writing job to pay for his needs, while he continues to use his powers of echolocation to find another centuries-old shipwreck of Spanish gold that he can pour into his continued plot for revenge. (I would take an in-person job, but I have “social anxiety,” which I have found both makes me seem relatable and stops any further questioning.)

Now, lets use this waterproof computer I’ve rigged up in a hidden cove and connected to an undersea transatlantic communications cable to count off the hits!!!

1) Ocean Sounds — Nature Sounds

Ocean Sounds, by the appropriately named Nature Sounds, hasn’t seemed to penetrate the cultural zeitgeist as of yet. Though released in 1998, it has languished in obscurity for seemingly no reason. It’s wonderful to listen to the tracks on long drives within a specialized storage compartment you’ve had built and disguised as a semi-trailer to be driven cross-country by a trucker who has no idea what he’s hauling.

Each track reminds you of the ocean! Which is not home to us, human beings. I’m hoping that in time, this album will receive the recognition it deserves, and that I will avoid capture long enough to see that happen. The tracks are much better than anything by the more popular Frank Ocean, whose music, deceptively, does not feature the ocean at all.

2) Dolphin Sounds With Music: Sounds of Dolphins With Relaxing Music — Steven Snow

One of the few dolphin-related media to get it right, Dolphin Sounds With Music just happened to catch dolphins on a good day, I guess. Usually human videos movies and sound samples are simply filled with dolphin swears and insults, in petty powerless retribution for the dolphins publically captured by zoos, aquariums, fishermen, and top-secret U.S. Navy projects—or so, at least, the common human theory goes (you’ve surely heard of it) (this is a tactic I’ve learned called “peer pressure,” which also alleviates questioning).

Steven Snow did something right, though, because Dolphin Sounds With Music is simply filled with wonderfully empowering aphorisms and words of supportive wisdom, words that you may not have heard in a long time, since being shunned by your species for the monstrosity you’ve become—or so, at least, the common human theory goes.

3) Anchors Aweigh: The Best of the United States Navy Band — The United States Navy Band

Despite what atrocities may or may not have happened to you as a part of an experimental U.S. Navy program designed to turn you into an aquatic killing machine, somehow those Navy songs can still stir something within you, every time. I guess you can take the 100 percent normal human being out the Navy, but you can’t take the Navy out of the dolphin. Or, human, as the case may be.

The way that Anchors Aweigh bounces from measure to measure and swells midway through gets my fins moving every time! The rest of the album is just as good, and not just likeable because of the food-based operant conditioning they used on me. This is one album you should definitely share with your pod!

4) Metal Machine Music — Lou Reed

Though many think that Metal Machine Music is Lou Reed’s worst album, describing it as a “collection of pointless harsh sonic sounds,” that’s just your organic biases getting in the way (I of course have them too, as a fully flesh and blood human being).

But had I been augmented with electronics during two-and-a-half torturous years in a secret Navy base, having half my brain, multiple organs, numerous points on my skin, and one eye swapped out for advanced robotic replacements, I might find that Metal Machine Music is oddly soothing to the circuit boards in my brain that process sound. If I were to, say, be shunned by my native species for the experiments forcibly done upon me, but also forced to flee from the agents of the U.S. Navy in pursuit of the codes I downloaded into my brain from their mainframe when I made my escape, I might find that Metal Machine Music might be an understanding friend in the darkness of my new life. But it’s also just a bunch of great songs! Thank goodness that’s all just hypothetical!

5) Joy — Phish

Maybe it’s just me, but does anyone else think this band would be delicious?

That’s it from me for now! Please enjoy these objectively good tunes, which are completely uninfluenced by my personal subjective opinions or inability to survive on land. Enjoy them at home! Unless you work for the U.S. Navy as a research scientist in animal robotics, in which case, please listen to them as close to the Atlantic Ocean as you can. Maybe even take a swim! At night! Unarmed! I hear it’s relaxing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go find some Spanish gold.

Elijah Sloan

Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

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