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Santa was never a petty guy. He had the best job in the world, and even in the busy season, he found a magical way to turn his stressings into blessings by reminding himself that he loved what he did and loved his coworkers and “clients.”

But recently, Santa’s joie de vivre hit some turbulence.

It wasn’t the slow erosion from “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays.” It wasn’t that global warming had made the North Pole slushier than ever. And it wasn’t even the unionizing elves, who actually opened Santa’s eyes to the need for a more modern and equitable workplace.

Santa’s irritability came from just one source. A man, who over the course of two decades of personal manifest destiny, had become a serious threat to jolly old Saint Nick. Where most people saw an egomaniacal, power hungry, eccentric billionaire, Santa knew there was even more on the line, and as December 25, 2021 grew closer, Santa knew it was time to take action. Years of being on the naughty list was not enough.

It was time, once and for all, to destroy Jeff Bezos.

In the beginning, there was nothing wrong with Amazon. It was a brilliantly innovative company, selling books and other goods to the masses, who didn’t need to leave their homes. But Bezos and Amazon’s power snowballed, building and diversifying from books and toys to movies and groceries and—ultimately—worldwide next-day shipping, which Santa and the reindeer had invented eons ago.

For years, Santa had explained away Bezos’ increasing power grab as “industrial” and “innovative,” but even Santa’s intrinsic optimism had run dry. That was the last straw.

But Bezos kept going. Thanks to Alexa, he could see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake. Through data mining, he had access to everyone’s Christmas wish lists. He even bought Whole Foods and had a hand in milk and cookie supply chains.

Next, Bezos set up new Amazon facilities in the United States, reaping incredibly unfair tax exemptions that Saint Nick was never offered! Santa didn’t work out of the North Pole because of the weather or proximity! It was the only place he could set up an LLC and not pay millions in taxes.

And then Santa read about factory conditions in Amazon plants.

The unbearable hours, the lack of bathroom breaks, the pitiable wages were all things Santa further cemented Bezos on the naughty list. Santa gave generous vacation time and paid his elves time-and-a-half for holiday work, which is all the North Pole ever did!

Reading about Jeff Bezos (but not in the Washington Post!) gave Santa real agita. His beard went from white to gray. It strained his relationship with Mrs. Claus, who often stayed away when she knew things were tense. And it made Santa’s heart shrink at least two sizes.

The last last straw happened the day Bezos went to space. It was too much for Santa. Unfettered air travel was Santa’s final advantage, and Bezos had even found a way to commoditize that.

So now, Santa was ready for an all out Christmas War.

There were only a handful of days before Christmas and Santa knew he had to deliver cheer and presents before burying Bezos in coal. Santa walked into a peaceful, happy workshop full of smiling elves putting finishing touches on their work. He wanted to remember it this way, especially in the coming months when Santa would turn it into a high-tech military arms facility. This would be Jeff Bezos’ last Christmas.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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