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“Terry.” Case peered over the half wall separating his colleague and him, gesturing he remove his headphones. “I just heard from Karla about this  erratic Insta user. Wanna pull her file?”


Image of Amazon orders stating 0 orders placed in 2022

“Nothing in 2021, either.”

“That’s, like, the entire pandemic! She’s got to be dead.”

“She’s not,” Case scoffed. “She’s actively deleting and reinstalling Instagram just about every day.” (Ed. Note: It’s not every day.) “Okay here we go. 2020 she ordered—dafuq?”

Image of Amazon orders stating 0 orders placed in 2020

“This… is not real. Lobster slippers?! This person’s last known purchase was lobster slippers???!!

“Maybe she was so delighted with her—” Case put on his best Spanish accent “—crustacean huaraches that she lives bajo del mar now.”

“Also?? Who subscribes to magazines anymore?!”

Case toggled back year by year. “Looks like her orders have been dwindling since their peak in 2015.”

“Aww, look, at the beginning she just used to buy books. That’s kinda cute.”

Terry and Case clinked their Hydroflasks together and poured a small amount of water onto the floor. It was their tradition honoring the Amazon they learned about in undergrad.

“I think it’s very obvious what’s going on here.”

Eth ical  con sumer,” they said, mockingly and in tandem.

“What do you think her sticking point is? Privacy? Pro-union? Other assorted labor practices?” Terry made a face. “She’s definitely not anti-consumption.”

Case snorted. “That’s for sure. I could see her being one of those ‘shop small’ herbs.”

“Oh no doubt. And, like, a light green environmentalist.”

“Probably also wants us to pay taxes.”

Terry grimaced. “We should probably pay taxes.”

“I’m gonna make it my mission to get her back.”

“Do you see any patterns in her purchases?”

“Set of 2 Silicone Care Patches for Neck Wrinkles Treatment and Prevention… Neutrogena Hydro Boost Eye Gel-Cream… I think she’s one of those skincare junkies.” Case started typing wildly. “Shouldn’t be too hard to hack her cookies and dose her with ads for Sunday Riley C.E.O. Glow. I think we’re selling it for $28 for Prime Day?”

“Yes, and the NuFACE Mini Starter Kit is 30% off. Ooh, and you know what else?”

Case looked up.

“Jacqui would kill me for telling you this,” Terry lowered his voice, “but we can individually affect the rules around carbon emissions. Pull up the ‘hey we miss you email’ template and I’ll send you the verbiage. It’s something like, ‘we know our carbon footprint is important to you. That’s why we have selected you as a pilot user in our tree-planting program,’ or some shit.”

Case’s phone buzzed. “You’re not gonna believe this.” He rotated his phone to show Terry a screenshot Karla sent. “This chick just tore her ACL.”

“Oh man. She’s not leaving the house for 6 months. We got her.”

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Jillian Conochan

Jillian Conochan is a professional amateur; writing and editing just happen to be two current pursuits. Opinion range: strong to DNGAF.

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