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Ya boy CORONAVIRUS out here RUNNING these streets (aye aye!)

You dumshit human FUCKSTIXXX ain’t got shit on me. I came out here with one intention, and one intention only: to replicate inside your fucking CELLS. Full stop, son. That’s it and that’s all.

Honestly, I’m just tryna live. Actually tho, scientists are still debating whether viruses are living organisms or just organic structures… you know how fuckin disrespectful that is? I’m here. I’m clear. Get used to it! LOL

For real, y’all humans think you’re these highly evolved creatures of GAWD or whatever. But y’all are dumb as ROCKS, bro. And rocks, unlike viruses, can’t even fuckin replicate themselves! LOL just sitting around waiting for another asteroid to hit like “I’m a rock too, buddy.” Fuck outta here, NERDS.

Everyday, I’m just laughing to myself at all these dumbass doctors trying to figure out how to “treat me.”

LOL! Y’all ain’t heroes… why don’t you join your other dodo human friends… Go binge watch some Parks & Rec and TREAT YO’SELF, BITCH! LOLOLOLLLLL

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All these “leaders” out here, trying to enact policy to “stop the spread.”

The same GOONS who brought you “stop and frisk” and “abstinence only education” trying to flatten MY CURVE? LOL, nice try lil guy! The same motherfuckers who disagree with universal healthcare are hoarding fuckin toilet paper. BAHAHAHAHA how the mighty have fallen! My name is coronavirus, and I’m “denying coverage for your preexisting condition.” And what condition is that? You’re fuckin DUMB, BRO!

I gotta admit tho. I am a little nervous about these smart ass scientists in their fuckin lab coats with their glasses and beakers and shit. They spend all day and all night trying to figure out how the fuck to stop me. Man, FUCK THOSE SCIENCE BITCHES. The whole fuckin world is waiting on them to figure this out so they can get haircuts and “save the economy,” whatever the fuck THAT is.

Hey scientists, that’s a lotta pressure.

I hope you don’t crack. I hope you don’t… I don’t know, GET SICK. And these scientists couldn’t possibly GET DEFUNDED because the administration doesn’t invest in science, could they? LOLOLOL you can’t make this shit up!

I’d say these jokes are killing me, but they’re not… they’re killing YOU! LOLOLL

You wanna know the best part? Okay. Okay. THE BEST PART is that when those scientists *do* come up with a vaccine, some of y’all won’t even take it! LOL – whyyyy cuz??? Because Jenny McCarthy’s son is autistic or some shit? LOLOLOL IT’S TOO EASY!

Y’all are doomed!

And y’all out here screaming at each other about masks? LOL

Put it on!

But this is Amerika! 

Yer gonna kill my grandma!

Kiss my freedom!

LOL wearing your uncle’s raggedy bandana ain’t gonna save your dumb asses from me, the almighty and powerful submicroscopic infectious agent! I’m fuckin INVISIBLE, B! You can’t fuckin see me! WHAT’S UP NOW, JOHN CENA!

I travel through air and live in your fuckin CELLS. You can’t hide from me. I’m everywhere, BITCH.

Enjoy your fuckin #content and Zoom calls while you can, bruh. Cuz I STAY OUT HERE IN THESE STREETS. I RUN THESE STREETS. Everytime you cough. Everytime you sneeze. Everytime you breathe, you KNOW you’re thinking about me. I fuckin OWN you.


Kelaine Conochan

The editor-in-chief of this magazine, who should, in all honesty, be a gym teacher. Don’t sleep on your plucky kid sister.

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