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If you don’t shower before you get into bed at night, you’re a savage.

I know that sounds hot takeish. It sounds like some hypothetical stance I’m taking for the purposes of stirring up controversy for my soon-to-be-launched podcast (note: does not actually exist). But I swear, this is a long-held belief of mine, and this article was prompted (see what I did there?) when it came up in conversation among friends last weekend.

There are, of course, exceptions to my night showering requirement. We’ll get to those in a second. But the underlying truth is still this: If you go out into the world and live a normal day—take the subway to work, walk among coworkers, use a public bathroom, have lunch at a restaurant—and then come home and willfully lay in the world’s filth for 8 hours—then, you my friend, are a disgusting human person and can kindly GTFO of my world.

Let’s address some of the key arguments for morning showers and assess their validity:

1. “I exercise in the morning.”

If you are someone who gets a workout in before you start your work day, good for you. Please—for the sake of human decency—also take a morning shower.

Verdict: Valid Exception ✅

2. “I need a shower to wake me up.”

I don’t personally subscribe to this belief, but if you do, then by all means, hop in the shower for a quick morning rinse to “wake yourself up,” you mental weakling.

Verdict: Begrudging Exception ✅

3. “But I sweat a lot at night.”

Yo, if you’re sweating that much, you have a problem. How about turning on the A/C bro? There are maybe a handful of times a year where I sweat so much at night that I need to shower in the morning.

Verdict: Go See a Doctor ❌

The key thing to note about these exceptions is that they do not preclude you from also being a Night Showerer. It’s like how a square can be a rectangle but a rectangle is not necessarily a square. Or something like that. Even if those exceptions are true, it does NOT give you an excuse to make your bed a 4 month-old sponge of disgustingness.

Without even getting into some of the perks of being a Night Showerer (helllloooo extra sleep!), it’s a simple matter of hygiene. Which sounds better—getting into bed all nice and clean, or sweating all day, collecting poop particles in the air, and then rolling around in it for 8 hours?

God, this is such an easy debate, I’m ending this article early. Not even a discussion. Shower tonight before you go to bed, or kindly never talk to me again.

Dave Berry

Dave Berry is funny and a writer, but not related to Dave Barry. Those are different names and that would also just be weird.

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