Hot Takes Tuesday with {Jack O’Shea}: Chucking Boomerangs from the 3-Point Line

Hot Takes for Tuesday March 28, 2017

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1. We gotta get rid of the Boomerang feature on Instagram.

There have been only four game changers invented in my lifetime: broadband internet, the iPhone, Mountain Dew: Code Red, and GIFs.

Game……………. Changer.

And here comes Boomerang, biting off each and every one like a feeble impostor.

For those of you who don’t know what a Boomerang is, and thus have no friggin’ clue why I’m so fired up, watch any of these videos on the #boomerang explore page of Instagram. Boomerang takes stop motion (which is a fancy way of saying “low quality”) videos for ½ a second, and then plays them forward and backwards so they look like some sort of seizure -inducing infinite loop. I’m sure Boomerang has a ton of potential. I bet NASA or Matthew McConaughey could make something cool with it. But, NASA and Matty Mac don’t use Boomerang. Instead it is wasted on us regular people.

First of all, what a USER. Boomerang didn’t invent game-changers like the internet or the iPhone, it just takes advantage of them. What a total jerk move.

THEN, it comes up in here pretending to be a game-changing GIF, trying to capture lightning in a bottle, which Mountain Dew: Code Red ALREADY DID. Nice try, Boomerang. Why don’t you make like a real Boomerang and NOT WORK.

Take Temperature:

5/10 – Stop it!

2. Saban’s Power Rangers is the first of many gritty reboots of our favorite childhood TV shows, and I don’t hate it one bit.

I was completely unaware that Nick Saban had anything to do with the Power Rangers—it seemed more like a Jim Harbaugh thing. Regardless, I could not be more pumped to see this movie.

A common complaint these days is that the only new movies coming out are sequels, remakes, and reboots, and I totally sympathize. We didn’t need a new Point Break, we don’t need anymore Shreks, and we certainly didn’t need a Godfather 2! But, this is different. Why? Because it’s GRITTY. AS. BALLS.

I grew up watching Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. It’s the main reason why I’m so afraid of giant pig demons.

Still can’t believe the rangers got out of this episode alive.

That being said, I don’t think I would see the new Power Rangers movie if it was supposed to just be a remake of the show that taught us about teamwork, white people martial arts, and primary colors. I’m too old and cynical now, and I already know all about primary colors. But that’s not what Nick Saban did when he concocted this reboot…

Hell naw!

The peeps behind Saban’s Power Rangers have taken the delightful children’s fodder that was Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and tossed it in a blender with a bunch of creatine, Four Lokos, and Insane Clown Posse CDs. Things will explode. People will die. And Kimberly and Jason may finally do more than hold hands.

And if the movie is even the slightest bit successful, you can bet your Tamagotchi-loving ass that there will be more to come. I, for one, welcome an R-rated Barney & Friends. Watching a Tyrannosaurus rex babysit a bunch of juvenile delinquents with too much free time after school sounds like literally the dopest dope I’ve ever smoked.

Take Temperature:

3/10 — Room temp.

3. My final advice for the NBA: Outlaw the 3-pointer.

I’ve been criticizing the NBA a lot lately, because (and I don’t think I’m alone here) it’s just not as fun to watch these days. We’re in the era of the “super team;” teams are tanking on purpose; there’s no ice involved. The list goes on and on.

Well, I think I finally found the root of the problem… the 3-pointer.

The 3-pointer used to be the sexiest shot in the NBA. They weren’t all the common, and they were saved for high pressure situations.

Like Nicolas Cage in the 1990s.

Not anymore. 3-pointers are now everywhere, and they’re not nearly as sexy.

Like Nicolas Cage today.

This season, roughly half of the shots that the Houston Rockets take are from behind the line, and their team is not an outlier. The entire NBA game revolves around dudes chuckin’ up the ball a few steps after they cross half court.

And it’s a lose-lose situation for the fans. If the team hits their shots, the game turns into a blowout quicker than Draymond Green can kick you in the nuts. If the team misses their shots, I’d almost rather watch Boomerang videos to escape the boredom.

But, the strategy works. The best teams in the league take the most 3-point shots. And as long as the teams are winning, they will not stop with this boring-ass strategy. So, my FINAL advice for the NBA, since you REFUSE to even CONSIDER putting an ice rink in the middle of the court, is to simply get rid of the 3-point shot.

Games will be more competitive, the league will be more competitive, and it would be like getting 1990s Nicolas Cage back, and I know we all want that.

Take Temperature:

7/10 — Nic Cage in National Treasure: Book of Secrets.

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