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I am definitely not a robot. Look at the way I move, so full of fluid and spontaneity. Could a robot do that? I don’t think so.

I am definitely not a robot. I cry at sad movies, but also at things that remind me of sad or happy times because crying is not just a sad activity. Did you know that your body creates more than four cups of tears per day? Many are not expelled through crying but instead through blinking. Anyways, I cry because I am human. Find me some onions, and I will slice and dice them right now and cry, to show you what a human looks like.

I am definitely not a robot. Sure I have a fantastic memory, but I can also make things up. Robots’ processing systems and need for order would prevent them from haphazardly creating nonsensical objects or chaotic ideas. Look at me and my random crazy train of thought. Apples. Cincinnati. Post office. Volleyball. Britney Spears. Church. Aardvark. Bisquick. Funeral. Go ahead and just try to find any kind of reason in those things I named, I’ll wait. Hashtag memed. I am a regular Theodor Seuss Geisel. Now that I have proven a stream of consciousness I am sure you do not still believe that I am a robot.

Would a robot be able to swim? As a regular ole human being, I would hazard a guess that robot buoyancy might be a problem. Or wouldn’t its mechanical robot wiring be compromised by the water? Would you like to see me swim some laps? I love cannonballing into a pool and swimming some laps. I could do the ice-bucket challenge which would prove that I am definitely not a robot and it would raise money for a charitable cause!

Hey, do you remember the 1997 hit comedy Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery starring Mike Myers—and get this—Mike Myers as other characters too? That film features fembots who demonstrate that robots cannot process attraction and love. Well, I am constantly attracted to the myriad women I encounter. I am a ladies man, emphasis on man. I’ll go ahead and name some women who are very sexy to me. Halle Berry, Gwyneth Paltrow, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julia Roberts, and Jennifer Aniston. Those women would make any robot short circuit and yet, I am at a full equilibrium.

Quick, name a foreign language. I don’t know any foreign languages, which would make me a pretty terrible robot, if you still think that I am a robot. I can show you pictures of me through the years and you can watch how I grew up from a boy to a man, human-style! I can do a push-up but please don’t ask me to do 30 of them. I can tell you a spontaneous joke or comical story if you’d like. I am sure you’d like it, since you aren’t my mother-in-law.

You and I both know that technically it is impossible to prove that one is not something, only that one is something, but we, as imperfect human beings understand. But I have proven that I am definitely not a robot by now, I am sure.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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