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Dear Straight Men,

I know it’s really insane to think about sleeping with the same woman more than once. Repulsive, even. Why would you bother to repeat the deed with the same lady, when there are so many other ladies to do the deed with? It’s not like sex gets better the more you do it with the same person or anything.

That’s just science! I get it!

But upon some self-reflection, and after finding out my other lady friends have repeat customers, I came to the conclusion that my personality probably has something to do with it. It’s not you. It’s probably me. I’m probably so awesome that it’s intimidating.

I know I have a lot of qualities that are a lot for you to handle. But I promise, I’m really not as great as you think I am. The more you get to know me, the more you realize this whole thing is a charade. So please, don’t be intimidated by my beauty, brains, insane amount of talent in multiple different arenas. If you sleep with me more than once, I will prove to you, there is literally nothing to be afraid of. Your masculinity will stay preserved.

Think of it like a crazy social experiment.

Hell, if you do sleep with me more than once, I will let you talk about it on your podcast. But if that’s not enough to convince you, then allow me to provide 15 compelling reasons.

  1. I’m funny. But not funny enough to quit my day job, so you don’t have to worry about my comedic success intimidating you in the long run.
  2. I’m cute. But not cute enough to be an influencer. (Not even Walgreens will respond to my DMs).
  3. I’m smart. But not that smart because I just got promoted for the first time in my life at age 30.
  4. I’m honest. But not that honest because I told you I didn’t care that you had a burner phone for your “low-key” drug deals.
  5. I’m cultured. But not that cultured because I fucking love the hit television series Burn Notice, and my favorite foods are butter and salt.
  6. I’m good at sports. But not that good because last season I struck out swinging during slow pitch softball, even though I had a batting cage in my basement growing up.
  7. I’m independent. But not that independent because I FaceTimed with my dad for 3 hours as he helped me put together my A/C unit.
  8. I’m good at saying what I want. But not that good because I really didn’t love the amount of time your tongue spent on my neck, but I sat through it knowing my turtleneck is in the hamper.
  9. I don’t expect flowers. But I think it’s because I don’t have any place to put them and will forget to keep them alive. (Do I start with a vase?)
  10. I love watching football. But not as much as I used to in my Big 12 tailgate days because I get heartburn now. One of us needs to remember the Zantac, and that’s a big responsibility.
  11. I’m busy and don’t have time to be clingy. But not that busy because I finished four seasons of Superstore in like two weeks.
  12. I’m pretty chill. But not that chill because I do talk to my therapist once a week, and we never have enough time.
  13. I’m successful. But not that successful because I still only have a full-size bed. And no headboard. The nightstand’s on its way.
  14. I’m spontaneous. But not that spontaneous because I do like planning my week out, and by that I mean what day are you available for sex?
  15. I’m super understanding. But not that understanding because I texted you on Sunday, and it’s been three days, and now I’m writing an essay to channel my rage.
Katie Novotny

Katie is a comedian and copywriter, living in New York to chase her dreams of becoming the official spokeswoman for Bengay.

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