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Dearest Ludacris,

What you’ve done for the hip-hop game over the past two decades is insane, man. And The Fast and the Furious wouldn’t be the same without you. Without you, it’d have just been unrealistic car racing. You bring life into everything you touch, brother. I’ve been a fan since day one. I love what you’re doing for the game, bro. Twenty years later and you’re still Disturbing tha Peace. The GOAT.

Listen, Luda, I’ve loved all your stuff. Everything. Mouth fulla gold baby. So in all this and everything you’ve put out, only one song has been bugging me. Now, don’t get me wrong, okay? I love it⏤ I’m not saying it’s not hot.

I just have to clear a few things up, alright?

Now we grew up in the same time, man—every 80s movie started out with a head-nod of a bare-nipple-intro. And somehow over time that morphed into some creative stuff… to name a couple extremes, we got Two Girls One Cup, and Meatspin… you remember those right? Can you forget them??

Now those are extremes⏤but I also want to hit you with some real relatable stuff too… you remember when Genuine dropped “Pony” and the flood gates opened up for sexy lyrics??

I mean, I’m not saying he started it… if we are going back, we got Marvin Gaye kicking things off for real with “Let’s Get it On.” Then my girl Olivia Newton John wanted to “Get Physical.” Boyz II Men nailed it with “I’ll Make Love to You.” All these jams hit No. 1 on the Billboard charts. Then Salt-N-Pepa wanted to talk about sex. Exile wanted to kiss you all over. Rod Stewart needed a little confidence boost as to everyone’s opinion on his sexiness. Then Color Me Badd threw the “I Wanna Sex You Up” Hail Mary.

But Luda, you destroyed the scene when talking about what’s real and what was really about to go down. And this is where I want to ask you a few things.

Cue the music.

First off, you nailed the mutual consent game. Like, let’s just pause for a minute before things get to wound up and make sure we are both on the same page with shared desires while express verbally:

I wanna, lick you from yo’ head to yo’ toes

And I wanna, move from the bed down to the, down to the to the flo’

Then I wanna, you make it so good I don’t wanna leave

But I gotta, know what-what’s your fantasy

Kudos Chris…

In a time trending with men abusing power and position, your respect for your partner and chivalry is reputable. (Being the gentleman you are, I know you and your partner probably established hard boundaries through open and honest communication and set up a safe word as well.)

As thorough and diligent as you were, Luda, your next scene might cause some concern. And, like I said⏤it’s not bad or anything. Nothing you do is bad… I just need some clarification, cause man, if I’m being honest… some of the stuff in your hit “What’s Your Fantasy” is kinda confusing.

I wanna get you in the Georgia Dome on the 50 yard line

While the Dirty Birds kick for tree

Now, okay, we are talking about a public place here, man. It’s kind of alarming. And how is this going to go down exactly? Streak onto the field full-chub and just start going at it once you get to the 50 yard line? Could you even make it to the 50 with security details these days?

Let’s say just say you did… it definitely doesn’t give much time for any real exploration. Furthermore, if the line of scrimmage is on the 50 and the Dirty Birds are kicking for three, you are talking about interfering with a potentially record-breaking field goal kick. Are you going to feel okay about your team losing because you had to get this box checked of your list of sexual adventures? I don’t know about this one… think it through.

Moving on.

And if you like in the club we can do it

In the DJ booth or in the back of the V.I.P.

Whipped cream with cherries and strawberries on top, lick it don’t stop

Keep the door locked don’t knock while the boat rock

We go-bots and robots so they gotta wait ’til the show stop

It’s nice to see you’re seeking some privacy at least, but that seems like a lot to bring into a DJ booth. Is the DJ still in there? What are the other people in the club going to dance to while you’re in there? Can you spin hot fire while giving the business and handling all that food? That’s a lot to process.

Or how ’bout on the beach with black sand

Also not a good call… do you know how fine that sand is? It doesn’t feel good in places it doesn’t belong.

I wanna get you in the bathtub

With the candles lit you give it up till they go out

Listen I really hate to be pooh-poohing all these ideas of yours but even the biggest bathtubs just seem cramped and lacking real space to get anything productive done. And are you really going to go until candles burn out? To me it just seems like a overly pruney chafing mess…

Or we can do it on stage of the Ludacris concert

‘Cause you know I got sold out

Again with the public scene, but this time with a dash of overconfidence in selling the show out. You’re better than that.

We can do it in the White House

Try to make them turn the lights out

Champagne with my campaign let me do the damn thing

What’s my name, what’s my name, what’s my name

No need to try and make them turn the lights out. If the White House can’t pay the electric bill, it’ll be easy enough to just shut down the government again.

And the most famous line of the song, it seems, was just taken straight out of that scene in Titanic:

I wanna get you in the back seat, windows up

That’s the way you like to f*ck,

Clogged up, fog alert

Rip the pants and rip the shirt

What about up in the candy sto’ that chocolate chocolate make it melt

I guess this works, not the first on my own list, I’d just run it by the store owner and make sure to pay for the damaged product.

Whips and chains, handcuffs, smack a little booty up with my belt

Touché, Luda. No comment from me on this one. In the words of the late Chris Farley in Billy Madison… “PROOOOCEDE!”

So I’m just saying, I know the idea of “sexy” is a very relative term.

And never has “If you can dream it, you can do it” been more true than right here and right now in the realm of promiscuous encounters. It’s 2019. There’s a streaming video for just about anything.

We all have our druthers. One man’s six, is another’s midnight; one woman’s Sahara Desert, is another’s Hoover Dam collapsing.

I just want to make sure you know what you are doing before things get weird. Maybe some of these things can just be role-played and not fully-executed. I think you might find it a little more realistic. Not trying to be prude or anything, but just looking out for you.

Billy Hafferty

Billy Hafferty is probably still hanging out of the passenger side of his best friend's ride trying to holler at you.

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