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Honestly, any holiday remotely close to the dynamic holiday duo of Thanksgiving and Christmas is screwed. Just look at New Year’s, in its pathetic party hat, freezing its ass off in a cocktail dress, drinking champagne to pretend it’s not miserable. It’s hard to compete with the Pilgrims or Santa.

And so, in a way, Halloween was set up to fail.

The only good thing that has come from Halloween is Hocus Pocus, but even that cinematic legend can’t outweigh these pitiful realities. Sorry to be the buzzkill on today of all days, but I cannot tell a lie. Halloween is hands-down the worst holiday celebrated in the U.S.

First of all, can we even call Halloween a holiday?

It’s not like you get to miss work or school. It’s just a day for candy and dress up. How is that any different than regular childhood?

Besides, you can get candy literally whenever you want, every day of the year. Candy is amazing, but is there a reason why all of a sudden someone decided that having candy in bulk is only acceptable in October? As an adult, I choose to eat Hot Tamales for dinner most nights. I buy box after box after box, every time I go to the store. Yet when I went grocery shopping this past week, a HUGE bag of Hot Tamales was sitting where all the individual boxes typically sit. I didn’t know whether to be elated or irritated. Why can’t that huge bag of Hot Tamales always be there, saving me money and giving me more of my beloved cinnamon candies? The answer is Halloween, and I blame it for taking away my candy in bulk.

You want to dress up? Great.

You can dress up literally any day you want to. Take it from me, I dressed like a boy every day growing up and often choose to as an adult. It’s called freedom.

Besides, costumes are crazy expensive. And figuring out what you’re going to wear is exhausting and frankly, a waste of time. You don’t even get all the gear/gadgets/accessories in the outfits you buy. Like, if you’re dressing as a clown, you have to buy the dumb outfit AND the dumb rainbow afro AND the red nose AND the face paint AND the shoes. And for what? Just so you can look like an emotionally ambiguous painted murderer? No thank you.

And who actually likes scary movies?

The correct answer should be “no one.” I see a scary movie trailer and have nightmares, so who are these maniacs voluntarily choosing to subject themselves to fear? Have you ever seen Orphan? Don’t. It is the scariest movie I’ve ever seen, in turn making me question my own sister’s actions for days. (Note: my sister was never an orphan, we are blood-related. If that doesn’t tell you how messed up I was from that movie, I don’t know how else to spell it out.)

The same goes for haunted houses and haunted forests, which were clearly developed by the spawn of Satan. Why anyone subjects themselves to these places is beyond my comprehension.

I’ll leave you with this final point… isn’t the downfall of democracy, a global pandemic, and the imminent threat of climate change scary enough? Now there’s really no need for Halloween.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

MK McWeeney

MK once drew herself as Michael Jordan’s daughter for back-to-school night to tell her parents she no longer wanted to be theirs.

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