The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 2 – Looking Good, Feeling Good

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Patriots “Receivers”

The story coming out of New Orleans this week wasn’t that TB12 and the Pats beat up on the Saints, it was how they did it. More specifically, who they did it with. Julian Edelman is out for the season, Danny Amendola was out for the game, and Rob Gronkowski left early in the 3rd quarter with an injury. That meant that the GOAT needed to throw to 10 different guys (household names like James Develin, Phillip Dorsett and Jacob Hollister). I was waiting for them to pick a dead guy up off Bourbon St, stick a jersey on him and put him in the slot. Best part is you know that drunk would catch 80 balls by the end of the year and make the Pro Bowl.

2. Colin Kaepernick

Here is the list of guys that have a QB Rating lower than the number that Gronk would find hilarious:

DeShaun Watson – 68.3

Case Keenum – 65.9

Carson Palmer – 65.6

Jacoby Brissett – 65.3

Brian Hoyer – 60.7

DeShone Kizer – 55.6

Andy Dalton – 96*

(*Sorry, 96 is the amount of millions he is owed in his contract…his QB rating is 47.2)

3. Marshawn Lynch

Beastmode was out-rushed by teammates Jalen Richard and Cordarrelle Patterson in Sunday’s win over the Jets but it didn’t hinder his celebration. Stats don’t matter, the league is more fun with him in it.

4. Miami Dolphins/5. Tampa Bay Bucs

Are hurricanes good? No, they are not…they cause death and destruction. But for two NFL teams they may have provided a perfect delay to the start of the season. Both Florida teams opened 1-0 after an unprecedented Week 1 Bye: The Bucs routed the Bears while the ‘Phins escaped from San Diego (L.A…whatever) with a lucky victory (see #6). Hopefully they enjoyed the R&R because their next week off will come in 2018.

6. North Korea

Are tyrannical dictators good? No, they are not…they cause death, destruction, and possibly nuclear war. But it must have been nice for the supreme leader to wake up and learn that the Korean kicker who choked away another game is from the other side of the fence. Younghoe Koo shanked a relatively easy would-be game-winning kick to drop San Diego (L.A…whatever) to 0-2. Not a great week to be from the south side.

7. Jerry Jones

Speaking of young hoes, Dirty Uncle Jerry is in the news for reportedly being the only owner to block Roger Goodell’s new contract. This reminds me of an old poem…I’m paraphrasing here so bear with me:

First they came for the “Bounty” hunters, and I did not speak out–

Because I was not a bounty hunter.

Then they came for the “ball deflaters,” and I did not speak out–

Because I was not a ball deflater.

Then they came for the guys who slapped their ex-girlfriends around–

AND DOGGONEIT THAT’S MY RUNNING BACK YOU SONSOFBITCHES, HELL NO! NOT IN JERRY’S WORLD!!!

8. Kareem Hunt

This dude is an absolute stat monster and the AFC appears to be his Tokyo. The Chiefs back followed up his impressive debut with another big day in a home win over the Eagles. Hunt has tallied 229 rushing yards, another 126 receiving, and 5 touchdowns. It must be cool to be the asshole who drafted him in your fantasy league.

9. The Guy In You Fantasy League Who Drafted Kareem Hunt

I would like to address those folks who have the aforementioned “sleeper” on your fantasy squad. Everyone else can skip to #10.

Fuck you dude…seriously. You probably heard about Hunt an hour before your draft because Matthew Berry or somebody else told you he existed. Congrats on “preparing” you nerd. Play a real sport. 

10. Panic Button

We’re 120 minutes into the season which means the hundreds of idiotic football “analysts” (CTE patients) have all the evidence they need to make definitive statements about all 32 teams, especially those who started 0-2. You have those competing for the #1 draft pick (Jets, Browns, 49ers, Bears and the unLucky Colts) and those who are pressing the panic button and entering MUST-WIN contests in Week 3 (Chargers, Giants, Saints and Bengals). I don’t get paid to wear a bad suit and yell gibberish but here is your quick analysis: Giants O-line sucks, Saints can’t play defense, Andy Dalton is garbage and Koo needs to make kicks. There you go.

Also Receiving Votes: Joe Thomas, Sam Bradford, Elisabeth Moss, Sergio Dipp and Jack Del Rio’s Balls.