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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Roger Goodell

It pains me to do this, but nobody escaped Week 1 in better shape than the Commish. Not only did he survive his first official post-Deflategate visit to Foxboro, but he was able to watch the Patriots get embarrassed just hours after raising a fifth banner. He escaped Gillette Stadium with his life, which was not a given considering what any old Masshole will do to avenge Tom Brady’s honor. The result of the game was just icing on the cake—a reminder that no one team is greater than the shield.

2. The Superbowl Hangover


Speaking of Thursday night’s reality check, it appears that even the most disciplined of teams are not immune to the effects of getting smoke blown up their collective ass for 7 months. Despite a season-ending injury to Julian Edelman and questions about the front-seven there was still some rumblings of an 19-0 campaign. A ridiculous SI cover made it seem like a perfect season was more probable than not. It turns out that you actually need to play the games. If you ask me, this wake up call is just what the doctor ordered… time to redefine “18-1.”

3. The Brothers Watt

Huge week for the Watt family. First you had the eldest J.J. raising a SHIT TON of money for hurricane victims (and counting! Click here to donate). Then you had young T.J. explode onto the scene as a stud playmaker for Pittsburgh’s defense with a stat-filled debut. There there was Derek… the Cooper Manning of the group. The Chargers fullback didn’t touch the ball in the Monday night loss, but that doesn’t mean that he is any less than his brothers. Derek is actually an amazing painter, he is going to the Rhode Island School of Design.

4. Judge Amos Mazzant III

Famous Amos coming up big for Cowboy fans and fantasy owners everywhere! So I guess what Judge Berman is to deflated footballs, this guy is to possible alleged domestic violence? I’m not sure. Here at the Power Rankings we are 1000 percent anti-hitting women (or club DJs for that matter), but from afar it seemed like Ezekiel Elliott’s six-game suspension may have been extreme due to lack of evidence. I ain’t no legal scholar (surprising, I know) but any time the league office’s “absolute” power takes a hit, I see it as a win.

5. Colin Kaepernick

If you came here for a political discussion please go listen to That’s Debatable. I’m not going to get into the sociological ramifications of what Colin Kaepernick does or does not stand for, literally and figuratively, and what that says about NFL teams who have not signed him. I agree that bringing on a famous backup quarterback can be an unnecessary distraction, even if they might be one of the 64 best QBs in the world (See: Tebow, Tim). THAT SAID, there is no way in hell that Kap isn’t better then some of the schmucks that were trotted out on Week 1. And spare me the Fox News patriotism… Aaron Rodgers could waltz out to midfield at Lambeau, take a shit on the Bible, and wipe his ass with the American flag and still be the starter in Green Bay.

6. Hurricane Harvey/7. Hurricane Irma

It would be irresponsible to power rank this week without mentioning two of the five most powerful hurricanes in recent memory (the others being Katrina, Sandy, and Vince Wilfork). Harvey did the impossible and weakened Houston so much that they lost a home game to Blake Bortles and the Jaguars. It took an act of God, but Jacksonville is alone at the top of the AFC South for the first time since (does anyone want to intern for The Prompt and be my stat guy? I need a stat guy. If I had one you would know the last time that the Jags were 1-0 while the Titans, Colts, and Texans were 0-1. But I’m certainly not going to look it up, so unless somebody volunteers to do this type of research you’re not getting it).

Not to be outdone, Irma stormed up Florida causing a Week 1 Bye for the Bucs and Dolphins. A fantasy owner scrambling to replace Jay Ajayi or Mike Evans isn’t necessarily the most tragic emergency to come out of these disasters, but it is certainly not fun and should be noted.

8. Your Fantasy Team

I bet you LOVED your fantasy team last week, didn’t you? Look at all the great players you drafted! You managed to get Julio AND Gronk! Or you landed the #1 pick and took David Johnson or Le’Veon Bell! Or maybe you pinned your hopes and dreams on the backs of Dez, OBJ, or TB12. Fun little game we play, isn’t it? Nothing like fictionally selecting the services of a man who doesn’t know that you exist and falling into a depression when that man doesn’t get the amount of receiving yards that you personally require for a week of happiness.

9. New York Jets

We’re only 60 minutes into the season but it looks like the #1 overall pick in the 2018 NFL draft already belongs to Gang Green. The Browns put up a fight against the Steelers, so unless the 49ers go 0-16 I’m predicting that presumptive top pick Sam Darnold ends up in the swamps of Jersey. The good news for the relatively handsome USC quarterback is that he has a bright future in New York. Not on the field, because the Jets will probably suck for the next decade, but certainly off of it. Now that Derek Jeter is “out the game” Manhattan needs a new athlete playboy. Matt Harvey tried and failed, so maybe the California kid can fill the void…Godspeed Sam.

10. Sergio Dipp

There were a lot of interesting story lines entering MNF this week: Adrian Peterson returning to Minnesota as a member of the Saints, the first woman in 30 years to do play-by-play for an NFL game, and a couple rookie head coaches in an already intriguing Bronco-Charger divisional game. Little did we know that a Sergio Dipp would decide to steal Monday night. I don’t comprendo his Wikipedia page because it’s in Spanish, but that just adds to the intrigue. I don’t want to know details… I just want to be up close… just watching… from here… on the screen. Sergio fucking Dipp, who would have thought?

Also Receiving Votes: Odell Beckham Jr, Kareem Hunt, Sideways Punts, Tarik Cohen, Tony Romo, Dalvin Cook, My Bookie and Jack Del Rio’s Balls.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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