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HE WANTED TO BE TOP DOG

Happy shots of Braden in office being important and at home being in love with too-handsome Trent

Shot of Braden and Trent sitting in Central Park where a dog runs up to them holding a ball

Trent: Ha ha!

Braden: Ha ha! This is so New York!

Dog owner running up to them: Ha ha!

BUT IN THIS DOG EAT DOG WORLD

Montage of late nights at the office.

Shot of paper that says “CLIFFORD PROPOSAL”

Trent: I am unhappy that you work too much.

Braden: But I am something like an architect, or something!

Montage of more late nights at office

Shot of unsmiling Trent mad and alone in bed, too handsome and lit very well by the window

Montage of even more late nights at the office

LIFE WOULDN’T THROW HIM A BONE

Trent: You work too much! I’m leaving you! I am too handsome to deserve this!

Braden: No! You’re my only true love or at least I love the idea of you, probably!

Shot of door slamming

Montage of drinking

Shot of alarm clock on floor

Boss: You botched the CLIFFORD PROPOSAL! I don’t care that Trent broke up with you! This is an important workplace! You are fired unfairly and slightly homophobically, even though you gave your life to this firm!

Braden: No! I gave my life to this firm and own all these suits, and also, I’d like to reiterate that now Trent is gone!

Montage of depression and filth

AND JUST WHEN HE FELT LIKE HE WAS DROWNING

Second montage of depression and filth

Shot of dog coming into room

Shot of Sassy Black Woman standing in doorway holding leash to indicate she owns perfect dog

Woman: Get out of bed, Braden. I’m important and have an important job and you need to walk Noodles for me!

Braden: But I am too sad, Malaika!

Malaika slaps his face, which is apparently not assault

Braden: Okay. Just this week.

HE LEARNED HOW TO DOG PADDLE

Montage of happy dog times with Noodles

Braden rubbing a yellow lab’s face: You’ll never break up with me, Noodles.

Shot of outdoor brunch

Malaika: I have another important friend with an important job who could use your help.

Braden looks at Noodles

Braden: Okay. Just this week.

Fast cuts of Braden walking one, then two, then three dogs

AND STARTED TO PAW HIS WAY BACK TO THE TOP

Shot of Braden signing up for “Fetch,” a dog walking app, using the fake name Curt

Braden, talking to Noodles: I want to make it very clear that I am using a fake name. I used to be important an important architect or something, so no one can know I’m walking dogs. Just this week!

Shot of handsome man making Fetch request or a walk

Braden to Noodles: Well look at Roger! He’s white and looks wealthy!

Fast cuts of Braden walking three, then four, then five, then 10 dogs at once, trying to eat an ice cream cone

Message from Roger on Fetch: Wow, you’re a really good dog walker and I like your profile picture!

Additional montage of making money and walking dogs with hilarious pooper scooper shots, of course

Message from Roger on Fetch: Hi, Curt. Thanks for coming by on short notice! Sorry I am never there when you walk Duke. You seem very trustworthy. Hope to meet you soon!

Shot of outdoor brunch

Braden, who is covered in chihuahuas: Malaika, I’m going to walk dogs for an entire year until I have enough money to get Trent back because I assume that’s what he cares about!

Malaika: Okay, hunty. Consider this a sassy rebuttal, with a hint of heart!

Braden: Also, look at this guy Roger from the Fetch app. I haven’t seen him in person. He is conceptually my ideal man, based on income and the part of New York he lives in! Only problem is he thinks my name is Curt! I hope that never comes up!

Malaika: Braden, girl, you gonna make me say a thing that is quotable but simultaneously flattens me as a character!

AND JUST WHEN HE FELT LIKE HE WAS LEADING THE PACK

Message from Roger on Fetch: Hey Curt! Can you walk Duke today?

Shot of Braden putting a key into an apartment door

Shot of door suddenly opening to reveal Roger

Shot of Braden smiling

Shot of Roger smiling

Braden: Hi…

IT TURNS OUT HE MAY HAVE SCREWED THE POOCH

Shot of Roger opening door more to reveal Trent standing there handsomely

Trent: OMG Braden?

Roger: What? I thought your name was Curt!

Braden: oh no! my lies! who saw this coming!?

Dramatic music with strings

Third montage of depression and filth

Montage of unanswered Fetch messages and unhappy dogs

Match-cuts of Braden spilling alcohol on hardwood floor and dogs peeing on floors

CAN AN OLD DOG LEARN NEW TRICKS?

App message from Roger: Why would you lie about who you are on Fetch? I am more invested in your humanity than I logically should be, given I am dating Trent, who I have learned is your ex, and you have already lied to me once.

Shot of Braden sitting in Central Park alone, same place he was with Trent

Braden: Why do I care so much about what people think?

WILL HE ROLL OVER?

Text message from Trent: LOL, ur sad.

Text message from Trent: BTW I am suddenly a villain in this story, to create additional conflict.

OR WILL HE PLAY DEAD?

Text message from Trent: BTW i was cheating on you, i guess, sure, why not?

Text message from Trent: FYI i want to cheat on Roger with you because, in case it’s not clear now, there are no consequences to your behavior, and I was the problem, the whole time.

FROM THE DIRECTOR OF “MARLEY & ME”

Shot of Malaika standing with her arms crossed in the doorway

App message from Roger: Why won’t you answer me?

Malaika: Hunty, you contribute nothing to this friendship and I just figured out I am purely here as a plot device, so here’s some advice that sounds earthy and wise.

AND THE WRITER OF “MUST LOVE DOGS”

App message from Roger: Duke misses you, which is code for me missing you, even though that makes zero sense, based on our interactions, to date.

B&W shot of Roger opening the door

Text message from Trent: OMG let’s cheat!

B&W shot of Braden and Trent in Central Park happy ha ha!

Shot of Braden thinking about choosing to make a decision, maybe

SCHADENFREUDE PICTURES PRESENTS

Shot of Braden walking Noodles through Times Square

Black screen with a bunch of information and the title…

FETCH

COMING THIS MAY

Shot of Noodles holding leash in mouth, looking directly at camera

Zach Straus

Zach Straus peaked at 15 and is mostly held together by masking tape.

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