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So, another Friday the 13th has passed. Which means another day has gone by where I’ve implored hot men across all my socials to come over for some “Camp Crystal Lake and chill,” and those requests were summarily ignored. So, as is apparently becoming tradition, I sat watching all 12 movies in the franchise by myself, getting so wine drunk over the course of the evening, that Jason Goes to Hell – The Final Friday actually began to make some sort of sense.

I was raised on horror movies.

My childhood weekends were made up of browsing the horror section (discreetly kept next to the mysterious 18 and Over Only room) at Video Madness, our local video rental place. I suppose my mother took the R-ratings as mere suggestions? It was fine. Seeing a bunch of horny teenagers get murdered in increasingly creative ways by a guy in a mask never seemed to bother us. And, in my Mom’s defense, she fast forwarded through the really raunchy sex scenes, until she realized it just made them thrust faster. So, she pivoted to telling us just to close our eyes as a more effective approach to protecting our virgin eyes.

I also want to be clear about something. We didn’t strictly watch horror movies. Sure, Mochnacz movie nights primarily featured slashers (Puppet Master was the one that started it all), but I was also insistent on frequent rewatches of The Care Bears Movie, The Care Bears Movie II – A New Generation, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and other seminal children’s classics. We had our childhood, but we were treated as mature individuals who recognized what we saw on screen was just make believe; it wasn’t real life. And, theoretically, we would be prepared to survive if we ever did end up in the woods and our friends were getting slaughtered one by one by a guy in a hockey mask.

In retrospect, I think there was something about seeing sexuality and nudity brazenly displayed onscreen. The majority of the Friday the 13th movies were released in the 80s, long before the internet existed. So, I couldn’t do a quick Internet search for “shirtless men” to understand the unique feelings I was having. And even though there were a disproportionate amount of naked women hanging around Camp Crystal Lake, the series had its fair share of shirtless men, and even the occasional man butt. So, I won’t say horror movies made me gay, but they at least helped me understand my yet undiscovered sexual identity.

That said, with the amount of times I’ve watched these movies, I am most definitely The Prompt’s gay authority best suited to rank the hotness of men who eventually would fall victim to Jason Vorhees’ ax… or his cleaver… or his corkscrew. Yes. Jason Voorhees actually killed someone using a corkscrew.

To be clear, this isn’t a patented Prompt F-List, as I haven’t had adequate time to explain my highly reliable, data-driven, scientific approach to ranking the hotness of Jason’s male victims to my fellow Prompt writers.

What, you ask, is my proven scientific approach? I’ve watched these movies over a hundred times, and I know what guys are hot. It’s called the gay scientific method, and if you disagree with it, well that’s homophobic AND anti-science.

From this point on, there are MASSIVE spoilers for the Friday the 13th series. But the movies are as old as I am, so if you haven’t seen them at this point, that’s clearly a reflection on your (poor) taste. I am gobsmacked by the fact there are people who have actively made the choice not to watch these cinematic classics!

Please enjoy…The Prompt’s Definitive Gay Ranking of Friday the 13th Hotties (with some film trivia thrown in for good measure.)

Although not an exhaustive list, these are the hunks who got my machete swinging in my formative years. Fair warning, you may start breathing heavily (chee-chee ha-ha) as you scroll through this visual cavalcade of 80’s horror man meat.

Jack – Friday the 13th

Young twink-adjacent Kevin Bacon in a Speedo. That’s all you need to know.

Mark – Part 2

Who didn’t have a crush on their MascDudeBro jock camp counselor?

Mark was also one of the few disabled victims in horror, with the character being confined to a wheelchair. But that, and those cheekbones, didn’t stop Jason from taking him out with a meat cleaver to the face.

Andy – Part 3

Andy spends most of the movie without sleeves or downright shirtless, and walking on his hands, causing my mom to ask, “Eric, why do you keep rewinding this movie?”

Unfortunately, Andy has sex and then he dies.

Doug – Part IV – The Final Chapter

Farrah Fawcett hair. Short shorts. A body that won’t quit. Deflowers a girl in the shower and then gets killed. Luckily, Peter Barton had an illustrious career in soap operas after! Good for him.

Eddie – Part V – A New Beginning

Eddie was the definition of hot, young, dumb, and full of cum before I even knew what that meant. Eddie is dispatched post-coitus in the woods, and reportedly, the sex scene was severely cut due to demands by the MPAA.

We don’t even get a gratuitous butt shot—just him looking wet and sexy AF in his black jeans. And then he gets killed.

Nick – Part VII – The New Blood

One of the few examples of the “Final Guy” in a horror movie, he joined forces with Tina, a psychic teenager (they were clearly running out of ideas) to take on Jason Voorhees.

He could’ve taken on Jason with those arms and that smirk, amirite? Or at least made him feel a tingle in his loins that had him questioning his murderous tendencies?

And color me shocked to learn actor Kevin Spirtas (whom I watched in Days of Our Lives) is gay. I shouldn’t have been too surprised, given his confidence in the short jorts he wears in the first half of the movie.

In Crystal Lake Memories, a documentary about the film series, he jokes the movie should’ve been called Frigay the 13th. I would watch that horror movie. Just saying.

And why does Nick survive?! He doesn’t get laid. Being a perfect gentleman (and apparently not being able to convince us he was sexually attracted to Tina) saved this guy’s life.

Luke – Jason Goes to Hell – The Final Friday

My little gay heart will forever thank director Adam Marcus for believing that male and female nudity in films needs to be equal. The movie is a big fucking mess, but we get a lot of Michael B. Silver’s butt (at least by 80s horror movie standards.) It’s a fair trade.

Google him now. He’s the epitome of Silver Fox Zaddy. And this is the only G-rated pic of him you can find from his brief time on screen.

Stony – Jason X

I struggled with including this one because it involves Jason X, the one where Jason goes to space. You read that correctly. Jason gets cryogenically frozen and ends up on a spaceship. Although the concept is bonkers, we were treated to some Yani Gellman eye candy… yes, that’s Paolo from The Lizzie McGuire Movie.

And if you’ve read along, you know the inevitable conclusion – he gets murdered. Because he decided to have sex… in space.

So, I guess the horror movie rule truly does hold true. If you have sex, you die.

So, dear readers, I implore you. When your group of wholesome, All-American friends pile in a van to drive up to Camp Crystal Lake to drink, do weed, and have premarital sex…

Instead, hit me up and let’s “Friday the 13th and Chill” on my couch.

Eric Mochnacz

A wizard of pop culture. A prince of snark. A delightful addition to any dinner party.

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