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Pull up a barstool, ladies. After 32 years as a dude, I’ve learned a few things about how this whole thing works for us guys. So, throw me some questions, and I’ll give it to you straight.
What is it about beards? Why are dudes so fucking into them? Why do they suddenly turn into these monuments to manhood that can’t be shaved even though you’ve made it SO FUCKING CLEAR that you ARE NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to the mountain man look. Fuck no to Castaway Tom Hanks.
Philosopher David K.W. Chappelle once said, “If a man could fuck a woman in a cardboard box he wouldn’t buy a house.” At the end of the day, everything that a man does is to impress women. If women didn’t exist, there would be no civilization. Men would have invented fire to cook their meat and probably stopped there.
What I’m trying to say is, while you may not be sexually attracted to men with beards, many women are. They must be. If they weren’t, then beards would be exclusively reserved for gay men and Santa Claus.
Furthermore, beards are in fact a monument to manhood, a bold advertisement of testosterone. Plus, they can cover a double chin to make one more presentable on Instagram.
Can I get the M. Stiriti approved rules of success for Friends With Benefits?
The golden rule to a successful FWB situation is to just drop the F immediately. Once Person A’s genitalia has been inside Person B’s genitalia, the friendship is officially over. It doesn’t mean you can’t find a TV show to watch together or mutually order Thai food, but you are no longer friends.
Once that line is crossed, you are Sexual Beneficiaries Who Used To Be Friends… or SBWUTBF on Craigslist. I am a 32 year-old man, and I have had the same two best friends since kindergarten. I am still great friends with my randomly-assigned freshman year roommate. Why have these friendships lasted so long? Because we don’t fuck each other.
And make no mistake about it, that tuna ain’t going back in the can. After a few months of exchanging sex fluids, you can’t just decide to go back to being buddies. You either get married, keep screwing until one of you marries someone else, or just awkwardly hang out during group events.
That said, I am very pro-SBWUTBF. Life is short… if you’re attracted to somebody and already like them as a person, you should just take the plunge and make things weird. Eventually most everybody settles down, and you’re probably not going to spend a ton of time hanging out with your attractive pal with the opposite sex parts anyway. You might as well get laid while you can and toss the memories in the spank bank.
Is being friends with an ex possible? Or is it a terrible idea?
See above, 3rd paragraph, weird tuna metaphor. Here is my question to you: WHY? Why the hell do you NEED to be friends with an ex? How does that enrich your life? At best, you keep an enjoyable person in your rotation of friends, while making your current partner slightly uneasy. At worst, you stunt your growth with the person that you’ve chosen to be with, and let this unnecessary friendship ruin everything.
I’m not saying go all Eternal Sunshine on their ass and wipe away the memories, but remaining close with an ex seems like intentionally booby-trapping your life. Ninety-nine percent of breakups are not mutual, or at least not evenly mutual. Either you wish things hadn’t ended, or they still want that ass. 50-50 mutual breakups don’t exist because those couples never would have gotten together in the first place.
So, sure, it’s possible. But it isn’t healthy, and the juice is absolutely not worth the squeeze.
If you hated a significant other’s taste in music and/or movies and/or shows, could you still be happy for years and years?
Yes. Get a second television and invest in headphones. There are two things that you and your significant other MUST agree on:
- You enjoy having sex with one another; and
- You believe that your life is better with the other one as your partner.
That’s it.
There are a few more agreements that help a relationship tremendously: You like a significant other’s taste in friends (or at least some of them), you enjoy (or at least tolerate) your significant other’s family, and you have some activities that you do together.
Nowhere does it say that you can’t like shitty pop music and hate their classic rock. A relationship can thrive with one of you in the bedroom binging Gilmore Girls while the other is in the living room watching a Bar Rescue marathon. And you can always watch Chris Pratt movies together because everybody likes Chris Pratt. Seriously, who doesn’t like Chris Pratt?
I heard a theory from an Uber driver on NYE ’15/16 that women’s pubic hair goes through trends that correlate to men’s beard trends and vice versa (I.E., When longer beards are in fashion, shorter pubes are in fashion OR when shorter beards are in fashion, longer pubes are in fashion). Defend or critique.
First, I am not manly enough to grow a full beard. Second, due to my marital situation, I am not up to date with the pubic situation(s) of women in general. Therefore I am unqualified to answer. But my advice for both men and women is to shave. Just shave. Don’t overthink it. Can’t go wrong with shaving. Don’t get beat with your change-up.
Got a question for Mike? Tweet us or hit us up on Facebook and we’ll answer our best submissions in the next issue.
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