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Have you ever wondered what the Tinder bios of U.S. presidents (minus the current one, because, ew) might look like? No? Just me? Well, I found the presidential Tinder profiles in courage (get it? Kennedy joke) and also weighed in on whether I would swipe right. For those of you unfamiliar with the miracle (read: struggle) of online dating: a swipe right means, “yes, I’d like to talk to you;” a swipe left means, “no, please stay away from me, I think you might be a murderer or a DJ.” Ready, set, swipe!


Age: 34

Occupation: U.S. House of Representatives

Location: Cape Cod

Sailing, family, history. On here because my father wants me to get married. Ask not what your lover can do for you, ask what you can do for your lover. My favorite musical is Camelot.

Swipe: Right.

Come on. It’s JFK. My feelings on this subject are well documented. We would have a passionate but short affair. I would be head over heels; he would be…well, JFK.


Age: 29

Occupation: Lawyer

Location: Illinois

I work all the time and love my mom! A cold beer and a joint don’t hurt, either. Chicago is home <3

Swipe: Right.

Smart, sensitive, handsome, and doesn’t have too big of an ego. We’d go on like three dates, and I would get bored.


Age: 26

Occupation: Law School Student

Location: Arkansas

A Southern gentleman. Just looking for a girl to stand by my side through thick and thin. I make a lot of mistakes and hope to make a few with you 😉

Swipe: Right (but only to hook up.)

God, that’s an awful bio. And of course, he literally has Hillary in his profile photo. What a skeeze.


Age: 30

Occupation: Actor

Location: California

Actor 🙂 Horses. Jelly beans. Movies.

Swipe: Left.

Living in LA, I immediately swipe left on actors. Sorry, Ronnie!

Silent Cal

Age: 25

Occupation: Lawyer

Location: Massachusetts

I’m a pretty quiet guy…

Swipe: Right.

Holy shit, right. This would be my longest relationship.


Age: 32

Occupation: Architect/writer

Location: Virginia

Renaissance man. Wordsmith. Strict constructionist on the streets, but not in the sheets.

Swipe: Right.

I have so many questions. Mostly about Monticello and being a total hypocrite about slavery. And Hamilton – give me the Hamilton scoop, so I can Back to the Future 2 Lin-Manuel Miranda.


Age: 27

Occupation: Attorney

Location: Illinois

6’4” (because apparently that matters, haha). Tall enough for you to wear heels. I like girls who are honest. DC-bound!

Swipe: Right.

It would last one date, and he would never text me back. I would see him at a party, and he would be polite about it. A good dude.


Age: 35

Occupation: Attorney

Location: New York

I’ll make you a deal: let’s stay by the fireside and chat all night long. You’ll feel secure after one night with me. 6’2”.

Swipe: Right.

Nice voice. Would go on three dates, bone, and then be done with it.


Age: 30

Occupation: Navy

Location: California

Love Cali. Don’t own a television.

Swipe: Left.

He would message me with a cool, interesting question and then immediately kill any appeal with being patronizing and paranoid.


Age: 42

Occupation: Politician

Location: Buffalo, New York

In town for the Expo! Swipe right if you wanna meet up!

Swipe: Left.

Erin Vail

Erin is the 2003 West Reading Elementary Geography Bee champion, a TV obsessive, and never not thinking about Buffalo sports.

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