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When it comes to red carpet reviews, there is only one person you can trust. Unfortunately, she’s dead in a pine box. Ah, Joan Rivers, how we miss you. A mainstay of every awards show until her untimely death in 2014, homegirl was the realest, most honest, and most accurate critic of every outfit that walked the red carpet. With her signature wit and spitfire tongue, she gave no breaks, no mercy, and no holds barred.

And as awards season steamrolls onward, we head into Grammy weekend with the most fitting Joan Rivers tribute we can imagine: drafting her reaction to our fictional attire. Rest in power, you comedic powerhouse.

Monica McNutt, rocking the classic look.

Being that I lean to classic, Joan Rivers, would probably say, “It’s just kinda eh, for me. Don’t love it, don’t hate it. She’s tall! She can carry more! But her arms and shoulders look great, how many more surgeries would I need to look like that? If I had to find a compliment, classic and the color looks great on her.”

Zach Straus is really ghostface killah.

“Melissa. Is that you? Come over here. Darling you look horrible. What did you do to your… oh. Oh. Oh no. Oh dear god. No! No no no no no! You… You monster! YOU MONSTER! YOU TOOK OFF HER FACE! WHY DID YOU CARVE OFF HER FACE?!? HER BEAUTIFUL FACE?!?!?!? AHHHHH! MY DAUUUUUGHTERRRRRRRRRR! [5 minutes of subsequent wailsobbing].”

Check the footwear on Ms. Erin Vail.

*yells, makes raspberries with her mouth*
*extremely Joan Rivers voice*
“BOOOOORING. I mean, really? It fits her well, but come on. Would have liked to see something different! Take some risks, EV! The shoes are great, though.”

What’s with the glasses, N. Alysha Lewis?

I imagine Joan Rivers would spend a lot of time harping about the fact that I’d wear my glasses on the red carpet. “My God, I can’t even see the outfit—I’m blinded by the glare coming off those thick frames. Someone check to make sure she didn’t start a fire with those magnifying glasses she’s got propped on her nose. Also, she’s so short, I think I lost sight of her under a Grammy’s shadow.”

Billy Hafferty better check himself.

“Wearing a sport suit doesn’t make you an athlete, moron.”

Scott Snowman vs. fine tailoring, and innuendo.

“Oh honey, can we talk? They make tailored suits now. Clothes make the man the same way my husband and I have sex these days: only if it fits.”

Blame it on Josh Bard’s youth.

“Why is that maybe 18 year-old, maybe 30 year-old boy dressed like Ellen DeGeneres?”

Jacqueline Frasca visits the dark side.

“Oh my GOD honey have you EVER slept in your life? You look like someone punched you in the eyes every time you tried to fall asleep for the past 3 years. And you just need to go ahead and shave your head entirely and start over, you’re covered in splitting straw. I love the #allblackeverything though, you crazy bitch. Let’s have a fucking séance.

Dennis William communicates with the dead.

Ghost of Joan Rivers: Tell Melissa I love her.
Me: Don’t you like my off the rack suit?
GOJR: You look like a shitty valet. Tell my grandson…
Me: Not your best joke.

The Prompt Staff

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