DRUG COMMERCIAL

SHOT OF EMPTY FIREHOUSE TRUCK BAY

TRUCK PULLS INTO EMPTY BAY WITH LIGHTS ON AND FIREMEN GET OUT, LED BY HANDSOME 53 YEAR-OLD WHITE FIREMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A NEWSCASTER

VOICEOVER:

i come from a family of firemen and this is a trope which establishes trust based on a narrative of public service

SHOT OF FIREMEN PUTTING AWAY EQUIPMENT WHILE LOOKING VERY FRIENDLY AND MUSCULAR AND MULTICULTURAL

MID-RANGE SHOT OF 53 YEAR-OLD FIREMAN TAKING OFF HIS HELMET AND SITTING DOWN

VOICEOVER:

but firemaning isn’t the only thing that runs in my family.

CLOSE UP OF FIRE HELMET THAT SAYS “CHIEF”

VOICEOVER:

lately I was having this health problem which is more common than you think but still made me sad

MID-RANGE SHOT OF YOUNG FIREMAN APPROACHING SITTING FIRE CHIEF

YOUNG FIREMAN:

that sure was a fun fire to fight, eh Chief? you are a trustworthy leader but still relatable. do you want to eat spaghetti and play basketball with us other firemen right now?

SHOT OF FIRE CHIEF’S FACE GRIMACING, BUT TRUSTWORTHILY

FIRE CHIEF:

I’m telling you that I have to finish this paperwork which we both know is an excuse due to my symptoms from that health problem which is ruining my goddamn life

SHOT OF YOUNG FIREMAN LOOKING CONCERNED AND SAD ABOUT SOMEONE HE SEES AS A FATHER FIGURE NOT BEING ABLE TO PLAY BALL

CLOSER UP ON FIRE HELMET THAT READS “CHIEF” FOR NO GOOD REASON THAN A LACK OF DIRECTORIAL PROWESS IN HANDLING TRANSITIONS

WIDE SHOT OF FIRE CHIEF DOING PAPERWORK AT A DESK IN THE TRUCK BAY WHILE OTHER FIREMEN PLAY BASKETBALL

VOICEOVER:

i was in constant low-grade pain due to this condition and it kept me from doing things in this multicultural perfect fireworld that even has a place for latina women firefighters

CAMERA SLOWLY WIPES PAST THE FACES OF HAPPY DIVERSE FIREFIGHTERS EATING SPAGHETTI AS WELL AS THE QUESTION OF WHY THERE ISN’T FUNDING OR SPACE FOR THE FIRE CHIEF TO HAVE AN OFFICE

VOICEOVER:
this pain assaulted my sense of self in a way that was almost more uncomfortable than the actual physical agony

SHOT OF DALMATIAN PUTTING PAW UP ON SAD LOOKING FIRE CHIEF BECAUSE DOGS CAN SENSE HUMAN DISTRESS

VOICEOVER:

that’s when a person in a stethoscope told me about the drug I am trying to get you to buy which has a name

SHOT OF DOCTORS OFFICE WHERE FIRE CHIEF IS STILL STRANGELY IN UNIFORM, EVEN THOUGH THERE’S NO NEED FOR HIM TO BE

VOICEOVER CONTINUES:

which is kind of a strange practice, when you think about it, advertising a drug on TV

SHOT OF PERSON ONE WOULD ASSUME IS A DOCTOR NODDING AND POINTING TO WORDS ON A CHART WHILE HOLDING AN ANATOMICAL MODEL

VOICEOVER FINISHES:

this drug will alleviate a lot of your pain if you also have this issue or even think you have this issue, so talk to your doctor about it you dummy

SHOT OF FIRE CHIEF SMILING AND NODDING TO THE PERSON WE ALL CONSIDER A PLAUSIBLE DOCTOR

CUT BACK TO THE FIREHOUSE WHERE THINGS ARE SUDDENLY BETTER LIT AND THE CHIEF IS VISIBLY BOUNCING WITH ENERGY AND GIVING HIGH FIVES TO THE OTHER FIREMEN

VOICEOVER:

now, the issues I am having are way better, not gone, but way better, as this is the part where i attempt to manage expectations

SHOT OF FIRE CHIEF CLIMBING A LADDER TO DO OFFICIAL FIRE CHIEF THINGS LIKE AN INSPECTION OR WHATEVER WHILE HAPPY DALMATIAN LOOKS ON

VOICEOVER:

the drug I am advertising has resurrected me from a pit of despair and lies of omission and now I am back to doing the things i love

SHOT OF FIRE CHIEF COOKING RESTAURANT QUALITY SPAGHETTI AND LAUGHING WITH THE OTHER FIREMEN AT A HILARIOUS FIREJOKE

SHOT OF FIRE CHIEF WELCOMING KIDS INTO TRUCK BAY AND PUTTING HIS BOOTS AND HELMET ON A LITTLE GIRL, ESTABLISHING HIS FATHERLY CREDIBILITY AND REDISCOVERED ABILITY TO BEND AT THE WAIST

SHOT OF FIRE CHIEF HITTING CRAZY ACCURATE JUMPSHOTS WITH A SPAGHETTI NOODLE HANGING OUT THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH AND LOOKING IMMENSELY VIRILE

SHOT OF FIRE CHIEF SLIDING DOWN A POLE, THE EXISTENCE OF WHICH MAKES NO SENSE WITHIN THE ESTABLISHED ARCHITECTURE  OF THE FIREHOUSE GIVEN PREVIOUS SHOTS OF THE TRUCK BAY, THEN CONFIDENTLY TALKING DIRECTLY TO THE CAMERA AS HE PUTS ON HIS FIREPANTS

there’s no shame in feeling bad if you have this condition! I’m living proof that even Fire Chiefs can have it!

FIRE CHIEF KEEPS TALKING WHILE PULLING ON HIS FIREBOOTS:

if you want to learn more about how to feel better, check out the ad for this drug in Funk Bassist’s Quarterly, which is surprisingly a real magazine, and not just because we’re in the age of dying print media

FIRE CHIEF KEEPS TALKING WHILE PUTTING ON HIS FIRECOAT:

there are a ton of side-effects to this drug, but that’s how the world works. look at the bottom of the screen where it lists that stuff, like hoofslough, shrivelshins, and traumatic fart butt syndrome, in a really small font

FIRE CHIEF KEEPS FIRETALKING AS HE GRABS A FIREAXE:

but that’s just legalese. don’t worry about anything anymore ever and just ask your doctor if this drug is right for you. if he’s not sure, or says no, badger him about it. and however that plays out, make sure you avoid any research into generics, because this is the only option. this drug. it’s this drug or slow death from megadiarrhea or joint pain or diabetes or whatever

SHOT OF FIRE CHIEF PUTTING ON FIREHELMET AND LOOKING GOOD TO FUCKING GO MAN LIKE WOW JUST WOW THE ACME OF FIRE CHIEF CAPABILITY AND MID-50S DAZZLINGLY HANDSOMENESS AND THEN GRABBING ON TO THE ALREADY MOVING FIRE TRUCK AS IT DRIVES OUT INTO THE WORLD WHICH IS BRIGHT AND FULL OF INFINITE POSSIBILITY NOW, AT LEAST FOR FIRE CHIEFS, AND MAYBE YOU, YOU SICK PIECE OF GARBAGE

FINAL SHOT OF DALMATIAN HAPPILY CHASING TRUCK DOWN THE STREET

VOICEOVER:

this drug has a name and I’m saying it