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Nicole: I love a good pointless argument. I think we can agree that nothing is more fun than a one-off comment turning into a two- to three-hour conversation about whether Professor Dumbledore or Daenerys Targaryen is actually a secret villain.*

Tom: I hate everything about pointless arguments. They waste my precious time. But… sidebar: Wow, way to be ahead of the game there, Nicole. Until the Game of Thrones finale, the intelligentsia all thought Dany was some white savior sent to Essos and Westeros to break the wheel. Since you were so spot on with your Khaleesi prediction, are you saying that we are one J.K. Rowling tweet away from Dumbledore being EVIL?! 🙈

*This opinion was written before “The Iron Throne” aired.

Nicole: I mean, we’re already several tweets past J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter revelations being relevant anymore. So anything is possible! But seriously, isn’t it just the best when you realize, at the end of several hours, that you’ve been saying practically the same thing? Like, of course it made no sense for Benny to tell his friends that they wouldn’t have to pay rent just because he bought the building for his father-in-law. But that doesn’t make his friends the bad guys!

Tom: No, that’s the worst. And who the fuck is Benny and why are you bringing his (white?) nonsense into this discussion?! I want to know about your prescience and the future of Dumbledore. Stop avoiding the question with your pointless rambling! What are you going to do next to avoid the topic? Cry?!

Nicole: Shows what you know, Thomas! Benny is black, and played by the delectable Taye Diggs. Now I know you’ve never seen RENT, the play or the movie! Also, why wouldn’t I want to end up crying halfway through a conversation about Brave because I felt attacked by the assertion that it’s “a good Disney movie but not necessarily a good Pixar movie”? There’s nothing better than a free exchange of ideas with someone who thinks like you do, but a little bit differently! DISCOURSE!

Tom: No, pointless arguments are Stupid. That’s stupid with a capital S for emphasis! What do I gain from endlessly arguing about something I don’t care about?

Look. As someone who hasn’t seen Brave since it hit cinemas but was personally invested in the possibility that people would be visiting Scotland because of the movie (invested not because I would make money, let me be clear, but because it is the most awesome, best hidden, small country that few people have visited but could really use your tourist money), I can certainly say that the movie was good, but fuckers who say that Pixar and Disney have different standards are people who don’t realize that Disney owns fucking everything, even Pixar now. So don’t fucking tell me that A Force Awakens was not as good as Infinity War, but both were the best for their “brands” (Star Wars and Marvel, respectively), because those are all fucking Disney! There aren’t any other fucking brands anymore. So let me say that I hate exchanging ideas with dimwits because the conversation always turns into something unpredictable, like about how Dad left when you were 3 years old, and you haven’t had closure yet. I don’t care about that!

Nicole: I feel like most of my conversations end up discussing what it’s like to feel abandoned by your father . . . Probably because all my friends have daddy issues. Except for my husband, because somehow his dad is amazing.

But, that’s besides the point! Disney’s monopoly of the movie business doesn’t mean anything. That’s like saying that Spider-Man and Deadpool have the same vibe just because they’re both Marvel characters who wear red and like quips.

And even while arguing with a dimwit about the validity of a movie’s place among its peers, you eventually come to agree. For example, yeah, people should probably expect to get kicked out of a fancy restaurant if they start scream-singing “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life.” But also, what if that was some kind of flash mob proposal? And now the restaurant staff just ruined it. That’d be a real dick move.

Tom: Were Baby and Patrick Swayze kicked out after their performance? I must have missed that. Did we see the same movie? By the way, Dirty Dancing is definitely a good Disney movie but not a good Pixar movie. Can we at least agree on that?

Nicole: Oh, absolutely. Pixar would’ve made the abortion plot feel less like a really awkward way to convince someone to lose their virginity . . .

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