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Just as you were ready to escape winter hibernation—pale and paunchy, craving human interaction and fresh air—you’ve been hit with a quarantine. You thought cuffing season, “the period of autumn and winter, when single people are considered likely to seek settled relationships rather than engage in casual affairs,” was over? You thought it was safe to venture outside for a little fresh contact? Think again!

Cuffing season used to be about settling for anything, but thanks to COVID-19, it has a new definition: pulling your hands inside your shirt sleeves so you don’t get infected from every filthy, disease-transmitting surface you touch. Thanks to coronavirus, cuffing is essential every time you reach for anything. New ‘cuffing’ will make sure that your unsullied skin never actually touches anything!

Not a grubby person, not a germy door, and absolutely not your own face.

Before you even dare touch that disgusting petri dish of a door knob with your immaculate dermis, think of what may be there. The only way to avoid the virus is to pull your cuff down over your hand and open the door that way. Go slow, eye it closely, and make a quick, decisive move… like Indiana Jones stealing the golden idol. If you do it right, you are good to go. But one wrong slip up, and you’ll feel like a germy boulder is about to overwhelm you with every step.

You know the next hurdle.

Outside, there’s wind and dust and your eyes start to itch but you know you can’t to touch them and stay healthy. Touching them in public is a double no-no. You could get coronavirus or worse, snitched about on NextDoor. The modern day scarlet letter! Remember that cuff from that whole doorknob fiasco a minute ago? You’ve got another one! Ball up your fist like Arthur, pull it back into your sleeve and rub away. You are good to go!

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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