Prompt Images
The Prompt staff would like to acknowledge that we are aware we are not representing the entire “non-creepy” population. However, we believe we can speak freely on behalf of the you’re-embarrassing-yourself-and-making-it-awkward-for-the-rest-of-us guys, the please-would-this-dude-take-a-fucking-hint ladies, and everyone else in the just-come-the-fuck-on-bro category when we bring you this rare interview with a character you have undoubtedly seen.
Sitting in an almost deserted train car with my headphones in, I was approached by the superhero himself, Captain CreepyMan. The conversation that followed was surprising, to say the least, but I took it as an opportunity to learn more about the ways and practices of the greater Creep-tropolis population.
Me: Woah! SuperCreep, is that you? I almost didn’t see you out of the corner of my eye. I felt like you were staring at me for an awkwardly long time, but I didn’t want to turn my head to check, mostly out of fear you’d take it as an invite to come closer.
Captain CreepyMan: Oh, you’re confusing me with SuperCreep; I think he’s out right now on Honking Duty. My name is Captain CreepyMan.
Me: Honking Duty?
CCM: Oh, yes. We at the Creep Association have someone out 24/7 patrolling the streets and honking the horn at people we find sexually attractive.
Me: And then you drive away feeling satisfied?
CCM: Very satisfied. Just knowing that we made our sexual preferences brashly and loudly known to everyone in our immediate surroundings puts a smile on our faces.
Me: Even though you might have left the object of your honking feeling emotionally disturbed, at the very least?
CCM: (touching my knee unnecessarily) I think we are getting off track here, babe.
Me: I’d like to know more about how you approach people and what you think is appropriate.
CCM: I have a better idea. Why don’t you tell me about your girlfriend’s party the other night? That looked like a fun time!
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t remember mentioning that.
CCM: Oh, you didn’t. I saw it on Facebook while going through your most recent posts. I also tried sliding into your DMs but you never answer me despite all the hilarious memes I send you.
Me: Hmm, I think I have my account set to private. And none of those messages are funny.
CCM: Well, that’s not important … What’s important is you in that dress! You look amazing.
Me: Thanks.
CCM: (staring me up and down) I mean, seriously, this is a really sexy dress. Especially with those legs!
Me: (getting stern) This is an inappropriate thing to say.
CCM: You know, you should smile more. I think it’s more attractive when a woman smiles.
Me: Listen, I want to know more about this Creep Association you mentioned earlier. There are more out there?
CCM: More? Of course. We can’t expect to get anywhere without numbers. We are everywhere. We’re in the office, at the supermarket, in the gym, or on the street; we’re CEOs and presidents, assistants or interns. Every now and again, one of us gets caught, but it’s not a big deal, because we have numbers and survival tactics that are ever-evolving.
Me: So who else is out there?
CCM: I couldn’t possibly list them all but to name a few:
Random-across-the-street-yeller-of-body-parts, Greeting-people-with-”where’s-my-hug?” guy, Pausing-mid-conversation-to-watch-someone-walk-by dude. Hmm, let’s see … There’s the Three Musketeers: Lurker, Lip Licker, and Dick Rubber. There’s also Subway-sidler, Follow-too-closely-behind-you walker, Even-though-you-have-a-wedding-ring-on-I’m-going-to-approach-you-with-”Your-husband’s-a-lucky-man” guy, Mr. Leave-my-number-on-the-check-for-the-server, Ask-if-you-are-alone dude, Randomly-start-grinding-on-you-because-we-are-on-the-same-dance-floor guy, Starts-talking-about-sex-way-too-soon dude …
Me: (interrupting): OK, wow! I get it. I’m almost sorry I asked. Do you guys plan things out?
CCM: Hardly. (chuckling at his own use of the word hardly.) If we were to plan something out, we might not give off the creep vibe that we intend.
Me: So respect and consent don’t mean much to you then?
CCM: (silence)
Me: I think these are all the questions I have. Thanks for the chat.
CCM: Well, you should take my number – you know, in case you think of something else. (gives number.)
Me: Oh-kaayyy. Great. If anything comes up, I’ll call or text but I think we’re all set.
CCM: (reaches over to my phone and presses dial) OK, great. Now I have your number too, you know, so I know who’s calling.
Me: That seemed like a trick to get my number. Please don’t call or text me.
CCM: Oh, there are other tricks too, like, if I ask for your number, and you decide to give me a fake one, I just call it right there on the spot to make sure it goes through to your phone.
Me: Pretty invasive of you.
CCM: Well, if it makes you feel better, you don’t even have to give me your number for me to sexually harass you thanks to AirDrop. #UnsolicitedDickPicsAllDay.
RELATED
