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Parents just don’t understand, they say. But if there’s one thing parents have always understood, it’s how to embarrass their kids. It’s a tale as old as time. Literally! Here are the top 6 CLASSIC times parents made their kids TOTALLY uncomfortable and they’re all from the bible:

1. Where to start if not at the beginning? Let’s say you’re just hanging out with your dad, going on a hike. Ya know, normal dad/son stuff. Then, you get to the top of a mountain, you’re admiring the beautiful view, when- BAM! All of a sudden your dad tries to sacrifice you upon an altar as a proof of his unflinching loyalty to and love for God. If you feel like “Umm… WHAAAATT??” then you might know a little bit about how Isaac felt when his dad Abraham ACTUALLY DID THIS! I think I speak for everybody when I say ==AWKWARRD== And sure, Abraham didn’t end up sacrificing his son before God atop Mount Moriah. But still, talk about an uncomfortable three-day trip atop a donkey home!

2. That time Laban tricked Jacob into marrying his daughter Leah instead of his daughter Rachel. Yeah. That’s right. Okay, FIRST Laban says “ya you can marry my daughter Rachel but only if you work for me for 7 years first.” Like right off the bat what? Then comes the wedding night, Rachel is all ready to get married and Laban is like SWIPE and sends Leah to the altar! By the time Jacob lifts the veil to see his wife, OOPS! It’s too late! Guess he’s married to Leah! You can practically still hear Laban dad-laughing in his booth at whatever the biblical-eqivalent to Applebees. Meanwhile literally EVERYBODY IS UNCOMFORTABLE. Leah, Rachel, Jacob, and whatever the biblical-equivalent to an Applebees waiter is.

3. We all know parents have favorites. It’s just a natural inclination to choose one over another in any category. So it stands to reason parents have favorite children- but umm they never actually say it. OH HI MEET JACOB. Jacob has 12 sons. TWELVE. Already this guy’s zeal for his own genes is embarrassing. If that’s not enough, Jacob, professional dad, goes on and on and on == often == about how Joseph is his favorite son. He says it over and over, on the record* *the record= THE BIBLE. He even gives Joseph a rainbow colored coat to wear around, highlighting in real-time for all to see, his favorite child. When asked for a reason Jacob’s like “oh cause Joseph’s mother she was quite my favorite wife.” EHEM SO LET’S REVIEW: Jacob tells his sons he loves one of them more than the others. Then, DOUBLING DOWN, he’s like “tru I even loved his mom more than your moms also.” LOLOL face meet palm. It’s no wonder Judah, Reuben, Simeon, Asher, Zebulun, Issachar, Gad, Benjamin, Levi, Naphtali, and Dan sold Joseph into Ishmaelite slavery for twenty shekels of silver. Sometimes it’s just like DAAAAAAAAAAD WHHHYYYYY

4. That time Edith looked back when fleeing Sodom and turned into a pillar of salt. I can practically hear her children’s groans echoing through time. God said don’t look back at Sodom or you’ll turn into a pillar of salt but what does their mom do? Good Ol’ Edith is like “one little look won’t hurt” but it literally hurt I bet when she was instantly transformed into a full-on salt rock. I mean can you imagine going into school the next day trying to explain to your friends how your mom died? “Oh um, my mom looked back at a cursed city on the brink of destruction and the lord our God said not to she was turned into a pillar of salt. Which, by the way, she was warned might happen! I mean I thought my mom was bad with directions and remembering who celebrities were, but this is EXTRA.

5. This one takes the cringe factor up to eleven. Ya know, that time Jochebed put her newborn son in a basket and sent him down the Nile river. Like WHAATT?? Then the baby is picked up by an Egyptian princess and is just like “oh yeah I dunno my mom put me here cause like I guess she thought it’d be funny idk??” Lol it may be funny now, but uh if I was that baby, AKA MOSES, EVENTUAL LEADER OF THE JEWISH EXODUS FROM EGYPTIAN SLAVERY, I’d be like “uhm mom can you not put me in a basket you literally just wove and send me down a river to be found by an egyptian princess??” Jochebed maintained that the Pharaoh was killing all Jewish baby boys so she was “saving” tiny Moses. Meanwhile she was perfectly fine with relegating him to a life of awkward conversations and uncomfortable explanation as to where he came from. My goodness- CAN. U. NOT.

6. So apparently nobody is free from parental embarrassment. Not even internationally renowned martyred messiah, Jesus Christ. YEAH HEARD OF HIM?? So Jesus is born, living a normal life. Then, just on a whim, the topic of Jesus’s paternal bloodline is broached. I imagine it went something like this: “Hey ma who’s my dad?” “I dunno Jesus some ghost that said it was God.” Then Jesus probably went to the nearest Niagara Falls and jumped over from pure, uncut embarrassment. I mean. Just. Wow. Then cut to like 30 years later or whatever Jesus is crucified and gets to heaven where God is like “Oh. Hey… son…” SO NATURALLY HE GOES BACK TO EARTH FOR A FEW DAYS JUST TO GET SOME BREATHING ROOM. Jesus King of the Jews, more like Jesus King of the the most embarrassing parents in history.

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Jay Kasten

A writer, actor, and director living in Los Angeles just waiting for anybody to let him do those things.

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