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The beginning of 2018 felt like forever ago. I’m not the first to say so, but after much deliberation, I conclude this is 100 percent true. With apologies to Billy Joel, I have realized that there’s enough of 2018 to fill a song ordinarily about 40 years of history.

(Editor’s note: Sing along if you know the melody.)


We Didn’t Start This Dumpster Fire

“Bigger button” pissing game, “very stable genius” claim,
DACA stay, “shithole” leak, 130K affair.
Shut-down number 1, McGahn permits Mueller’s fun,
Nunes memo trotted out into the public square.

Porter’s tossed, shutdown-lite: funding runs out for one night,
Hope Hicks testifies and admits telling lies.
Tariff threats drive Cohn away, Stormy’s unsigned NDA,
Invite from Kim Jong-un, “Put guns in the classroom!”

CHORUS:

This is a dumpster fire.
It won’t stop burning, so I hope you’re learning.
This is a dumpster fire.
We are half-delighted, so we’re all-divided.

Tillerson gets the axe, McCabe’s sacked for spinning facts.
Putin wins election and gets some phone affection.
McMaster leaves as NSA, Candy picked for the V.A.,
Cohen’s left in the lurch when the FBI shows up to search.
Scooter’s immaterial, missiles lobbed at Syria,
Haley doesn’t “get confused,” Pompeo falls for Pyongyang’s ruse,
Rudy joins the legal team, “nukes are gone!*” (* a fever dream)
Macron and Merkel come ashore (and leave more confused than before).

CHORUS:

This is a dumpster fire.
It won’t stop burning, so I hope you’re learning.
This is a dumpster fire.
We are half-delighted, so we’re all-divided.

Ronny Jackson backs down, Emmet Flood is back in town,
Iran deal torn to bits, JCPOA firmly quit.
McCain mocked, summit blocked, then it’s back on (half-cocked).
G7 hissy fit, separation deemed legit.

Nine robes down to eight, Pruitt’s out (forgive the wait),
Battles for a lifetime pick presage a Supreme conflict.
UK visit overseas, in front of the royalty,
Helsinki backpedalling on Russian ‘16 meddling.

CHORUS:

This is a dumpster fire.
It won’t stop burning, so I hope you’re learning.
This is a dumpster fire.
We are half-delighted, so we’re all-divided.

Cohen tape recordings, all-caps drumbeat warnings,
Threats against clearances, Orwellian assurances.
Courts stop separations, Rudy’s on-air gyrations,
Nukes despite the summit, stock in Sessions plummets.
Omarosa tells it straight, shelling of the fourth estate.
Manafort conviction, Anonymous depiction.

CHORUS:

This is a dumpster fire.
It won’t stop burning, so I hope you’re learning.
This is a dumpster fire.
We are half-delighted, so we’re all-divided.

Kavanaugh v. Blasey Ford, NAFTA’s gone and out the door,
Saudis on Turkish soil, weighing human life and oil.
Haley and McGahn step down, package bombs all over town,
Blue wave hits the House hard, Jeff’s tossed with the discards.
“But Ivanka’s emails,” border troop details,
Tariff Man is unveiled, Flynn might still go to jail.
Zinke leaves, Foundation’s wrecked, Mattis and Kelly save their necks.
Stocks in freefall, a third shutdown over the Wall.

CHORUS:

This is a dumpster fire.
It won’t stop burning, so I hope you’re learning.
This is a dumpster fire.
We are half-delighted, so we’re all-divided…

Scott Snowman

Scott Snowman is an ISTJ with an MA, and is usually MIA or AFK IRL. Interrobang him and win a prize.

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