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I’m glad you’re voicing these concerns. I understand that you may personally find it frustrating that your position is unpaid, but I need you to understand. This is an internship.

If you want to make it in the giant monster business, you need to put your time in at the ground level just like everybody else.

Do you think that Godzilla got to where it is without taking a couple unpaid, low-level, tokusatsu gigs? Nobody gets that physically huge without getting exposed to massive amounts of radiation, and legally, we’re not allowed to offer paid positions that are that dangerous. However, as I’m sure you’re aware by now, the world government allows pretty much anything when it comes to their unpaid interns, which is why we’ve been having you lug barrels of toxic waste all over this unmappable tropical island.

We’re looking for team players here.

There’s no “I” in “懐柔,” because it’s not an English word. If you wanna get really technical I suppose there is an “I” in “kaiju,” but being pedantic isn’t a good look for an octopus-man, kid.

Listen, if you want to just walk slowly and dramatically back into the sea, never to be seen again, I totally understand. I’d be lying to you if I said that I never felt the same way when I was your age and general size. I remember those long hours, working unpaid overtime in various ever-so-slightly different variations on the same quarry, being punched in the mouth by men in tight-fitting acrobat or bug costumes, only to start over the next week with a new harebrained scheme!

We’ve all paid our dues.

By the way, I am very impressed with your idea to create an arcade game that sucks the lifeforce out of children! We harvested a ton of energy and a made a ton of money in quarters, and I’m truly sorry that a Super Sentai team was able to track it back to you and “teach you the true meaning of justice.” Also, very sorry that we couldn’t let you keep any of the quarters to buy a sandwich or something, but then we would have also had to offer a health plan, which, given the risk profile of your duties, comes with an astronomical price tag that we just can’t afford as a small business.

On the bright side, those bruises are swelling up real nice! You look gigantic! It’s no radiation exposure, but hey, anything to increase your size from “large” to “huge,” am I right?

Again, I empathize with your frustrations.

But this is just the reality of life as a strange, rubbery beast. Unless you can afford to work unpaid for a couple of years, getting the shit kicked out of you by Ultramen (Ultramans?), you’re simply not going to be able to make a dent in this industry. I’d be lying to you if I said that nepotism wasn’t rampant—between you and me, we both know that Minilla didn’t get to where he was on raw talent or likeability. Once you’ve put your time in with the company, I would be overjoyed to fight with the higher-ups to bring you on as a paid, GIANT monster. None of this “regular sized” nonsense for you.

Just as soon as you’ve put in enough hours that we know you’re serious about terrorizing Earth.

And for what it’s worth, I’ll say that the first paycheck you get after crushing an entire building under your tentacles makes the satisfaction of teaching humanity not to play god all the sweeter.

John Barnes

John Barnes has a B.S. in geography and recently severely burnt his thumb playing with fireworks in a storm drain in Northern Virginia.

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