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These are The Prompt’s own biweekly* NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

* I’ll do my best.

This week provides us all some time to collectively pause and reflect on all the good in our lives. Here are some things that every NFL fan should be thankful for…

1. Fútbol Americano

Let’s take a minute to be thankful that our favorite sport isn’t soccer. I’m not here to trash the beautiful game, especially not during the World Cup, but c’mon, let’s be real for a minute. Our football is just better. The Patriots and Jets played one of the most offensively impotent games in recent memory this Sunday, but there were still more scoring plays than Team USA vs. the Whalers.

Of course our version isn’t perfect (CTE), but neither is soccer (FIFA). And American Football fans don’t need to explain why our national team tied against Wales, which isn’t even a country! It’s less than 5% of a country! Imagine if a the NFL’s All Pro roster played against just Iowa, and tied 7-7. C’mon!


2. Bills Mafia

After a little midseason hiccup it appears that the Bills are getting back on track for their inevitable AFC title game date with the Chiefs. Face it, the league is better when the Bills are good. They have the best fans in football, they play outdoors in the elements, and they have never ever beaten your favorite team in the Super Bowl. What’s not to love?


3. Patrick Mahomes

As quarterback play gets more and more erratic, there is one guy that delivers week after week after week. I told you in September that Mahomes was on a mission, and he is currently leading the league in every meaningful passing stat. It doesn’t matter who his receivers are, although having #87 lining up at tight end helps. He is a joy to watch, especially as the great QBs from the previous generation begin to suck (Rodgers) or just be super weird (Brady).


4. Bill Belichick

Love him or hate him, and you probably hate him, you must respect this man. It took him just a couple of games to absolutely break the 2nd overall pick from last year’s draft. Zach Wilson has a 5-2 record this season, but the “2” was so glaringly bad that he has been benched. Wilson won’t even dress on Sunday, with Mike White taking over as the starter and Joe Flacco slotting in as backup. Belichick broke him mentally, physically and emotionally.


5. That You Don’t Owe Russell Wilson $165,000,000

There is technically one person that this doesn’t apply to, but he owns Walmart and probably doesn’t read The Prompt so this is a meaningless clarification.


6. The Failure of the 2022 Green Bay Packers

I think we can all agree that the pure ineptitude displayed by this team has been a welcome change from recent seasons. There are technically fans that this doesn’t apply to, but they probably don’t own computers, and if they do they certainly don’t read The Prompt, so once again this is a meaningless clarification.


7. The Success of the 2022 Miami Dolphins

There is still plenty of time for them to implode, but you must admit that it has been fun watching Miami’s offense carve up defenses. Especially given the fact that their quarterback almost died on the battlefield less than two months ago. Dolphins -12.5 over the Texans, lock of the week.


8. Al Michaels

The man is 78 years old and has been announcing games for over half a century. He won’t be around forever, and swapping his buddy Collinsworth for Campus Kirk will only accelerate his retirement. We must enjoy this national treasure while we can.


9. Cooper Kupp

Last year’s Super Bowl MVP was somehow having an even better 2022 campaign, responsible for a whopping 34% of his team’s offense. That was, up until his season-ending ankle injury. 34% is the highest player utilization rate in the league…probably, I don’t fact check. Either way, he is one of the most fun players to watch, and the Rams’ offense without him is sadder than a postgame Derek Carr.


10. Ocean Spray Jellied Cranberry Sauce

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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