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These are The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

Welcome back to the Power Rankings! The plan is to deliver weekly* installments of hard-hitting analysis and amateur graphic design throughout the 2022 NFL season. Buckle up!

*Probably monthly

1. Tom Brady

The more things change the more they stay the same. While Brady’s peers are settling in to new studio gigs—not to mention new hair—the 44 year-old GOAT is seemingly at the top of his game. Throwing the ball 50 times, racking up passing yards, tallying touchdowns, feeding Gronk, and leading game-winning drives.

To put his greatness in more historical perspective, Brady is now 173 touchdown passes ahead of the next active guy on the list (the drama queen in Green Bay who posted a 36.8 QB rating on Sunday). That means the Manitowac Man Bun would need to play at least 5 seasons after Tommy retires for a shot at passing him. TB12 is also a mere 775 passing yards short of Drew Brees’ record, which means he will be shattering that in Foxboro in front of 65,000 emotionally confused boners.

Conventional wisdom suggests that this can’t last forever, that at some point he will just be too old to continue dominating, but I’m not buying it. If you have blind faith in Tom Brady then you might be wrong once, but if you doubt the man, you could be proven wrong 100 times over.

2. The Undefeated AFC & NFC Wests

It took a few wild finishes but the Cardinals, Seahawks, Rams, 49ers, Chiefs, Broncos, Chargers, and Raiders are all off to a 1-0 start. This is the first time two full divisions have swept opening weekend since… probably never? Or a long time ago? My request for a research intern has been continuously denied, so I guess we’ll never know.

I can confirm that neither of these teams play each other in Week 2, so a 16-0 start is mathematically possible.

3. Underdogs

Week 1 was chock-full of upsets, with 12 of the 16 dogs covering the spread and 9 (!!!) winning outright. File this away in the gambling memory bank.

4. Vaccines

With all due respect to those with anti-vax views…

…if you have those views you are either grossly misinformed or a total idiot. Or probably both. You are due no respect. And you know who agrees with me? The NFL. While the league has not mandated vaccinations they have certainly made life very difficult for those who choose not to get the shots. If the starting QB on your fantasy team is unvaccinated they are one close-contact away from sitting out a week… you may want to carry a backup.

But what do I know? I’m just some educated progressive elitist.

5. ‘Bama QBs

One of Sunday’s biggest storylines was the success of the star-studded QB room from the 2018 Crimson Tide. Jalen Hurts had a monster game and lead the Eagles to a 32-6 win in Atlanta, while Tua Tagovailoa marched right into Gillette Stadium and took down the Patriots. The QB on the other sideline wasn’t bad either, as Mac Jones’ debut was both efficient and impressive. A late fumble cost the Pats a victory, but Mac was poised, accurate, and reminded everyone in New England of another doughy 23 year-old…

6. Kyler Murray Fantasy Owners

289 yards and 4 touchdowns through the air, another 20 yards and a touchdown on the ground. Congrats nerds!

7. Sam Darnold’s Revenge Game

He actually wasn’t that great, but the Panthers beat the Jets, and I wanted to give Inigo Montoya some love.

8. Jon Gruden

He made the list because the Raiders upset the Ravens and he is starting his season 1-0. He is not making this list because of his coaching decisions on Monday night. I just like Jon Gruden, I like the cut of his jib, and I can’t quit the man.

Some would argue that IF you’re going to kick a 40+ yard field goal on 2nd down in overtime, you should make sure your kicker is ready and not take a delay of game penalty. I am not one of those people though. SPIDER 2 Y BANANA!

9. The Lions’ 2022 No. 1 Pick

Given the competitiveness of the current housing market, I think OU’s Spencer Rattler should just start looking for a place in Detroit now.

Real Talk Interlude: I wrote this joke for the Houston housing market assuming the Texans would lose to the Jaguars. That didn’t happen, so I swapped in the Lions—sort of how the WWF swapped in Shawn Michaels for Jerry Lawler in the 1994 Survivor Series match against the Hart family and hoped nobody would notice. In reality I think Spencer can probably take his time with the Detroit housing market. If you read this last paragraph in Ted Lasso’s voice it will sound better.

10. Week 2 Picks

Thursday Teaser: Giants +9.5 @ Washington, UNDER 46.5

Moneyline Parlay: Patriots -260 @ NYJ + Bills -180 @ Miami (+115)

Lock of the Week: Cowboys +3.5 @ Chargers

Survivor Pool Pick: Packers

Also Receiving Votes: Dak Prescott’s Ankle, Joe Burrow’s Knee, the Steelers’ Defense, Sean McVay’s New Toy, Chandler Jones and Waking Up At 3:30 On Monday Morning With Excruciating Heartburn

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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