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These are The Prompt’s own weekly* NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Tom Brady

I promise not to gush about TB12 every week, but I didn’t go far enough in the previous installment. We need to acknowledge the fact that this man is on a mission. He threw five touchdown passes in a 48-25 drubbing of the Falcons, which gives him nine TDs through 2 weeks. He didn’t have to throw those passes; they were near the goal line and could have run it in. He chose to throw those passes. He knows that the schedule now includes a 17th game, and that he only needs to average 3.13 TDs per game to get to 56. He is trying to break Peyton Manning’s single-season record and take the last stat that his former “rival” has over him. This man is ruthless, and he is not to be trifled with.

2. Overreactions

The first rule of NFL gambling is to not overreact to Week 1. The second rule is to not overreact to Week 2. The third rule is to pay attention Week 3 and react accordingly. By this time next week we’re going to have at least an initial sense of who these teams are, but as I write this, we are still flying blind.

Are the Saints the team that crushed the Packers or were crushed by the Panthers? Are the Titans the team that looked lost at home against the Cardinals or who went into Seattle and won? Are the Bills the team that blanked the Dolphins 35-0 or the one that couldn’t move the ball against the Steelers? If the Steelers are good does that make the Raiders great?

There are five or six games this Sunday that will help map out the next few months… I’ll tell you which ones, NEXT WEEK ON THE POWER RANKINGS!

3. Kickers

Kickers matter. Many people—let’s call them Vikings Fans—wish that this wasn’t the case, but it is. Gigantic men play a violent sport for 59 minutes and 58 seconds and then a failed soccer player skips on to the field to decide who wins the game. You’d think that we would have come up with a better solution by now, but here we are.

Imagine if a baseball game were tied after 9 innings and the bat boys played cornhole to determine the winner. Bonkers.

4. Underdogs

The dogs regressed a bit (9-7 on the week) but six of those nine underdogs won outright. The Giants, Raiders, Panthers, Cowboys, Titans, and Ravens all overcame the odds and notched victories. This trend continues to prove that nobody knows anything yet, and it’s way too early in the season to feel definitively about a spread. Roll a joint and take the points.

5. Referees

The real heroes. I’ve heard some people say that they watch the NFL to see the players, but not I. For me it’s a black-and-white issue, preferably striped on a tight polo shirt. I love nothing more than getting cozy on the couch and watching 10 hours of officiating crews meticulously removing any aspect of fun from the game of football. Without further ado, my PLAY OF THE WEEK:

6. Derrick Henry

We usually have to wait until November or December for the Titans running back to remind us of his dominance. This year it appears that he’s getting started early. King Henry tallied 237 yards and 3 touchdowns as the Titans upset the Seahawks in overtime, reminding Seattle’s defense that he is, in fact, the juggernaut, bitch.

7. Aaron Jones Fantasy Owners

How about 115 yards and 4 touchdowns on a Monday night, all while carrying his father’s ashes! I bet you nerds liked that!

8. Jon Gruden

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, The Prompt NFL Power Rankings is a pro-Gruden publication. He’s staying on here until they lose.

9. The Broncos’ Schedule

Check out this murderers’ row of September opponents. Denver is on their way to the easiest 3-0 start in league history. Remember this when they’re only giving the Ravens 2.5 in Week 4.

10. Week 3 Picks

Thursday Teaser (0-1): Texans +14 & Under 49

Moneyline Parlay (1-0): Chiefs -300 vs Chargers + Cowboys -195 vs Eagles (+102)

Lock of the Week (1-0): Packers +3.5 @ 49ers

Survivor Pool Pick: Broncos

Also Receiving Votes: Kyler Murray Fantasy Owners, Tony Pollard Fantasy Stashers, Rookie QBs NOT Drafted in the Top 3, Ryder Cup WAGs, and The Resurgence of Robert Gronkowski

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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