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Life is unfortunately meaningless. However, at least there’s dessert.

The most delectable of the courses, a treat for your senses. A reward for a job well done, if you consider sustenance a job. And you should, to be honest.

These recipes have been tested and developed by master chefs who poured countless hours into perfecting their craft, only to see it be swallowed whole—as with anything we do.

Strawberry Shortcake

Fresh strawberries adorn this classic summer dessert, as though the annual tilting of the Earth toward the sun needed man’s self-serving recognition. Quick and simple to prepare, this recipe will be your “go-to” option for a quick and light dessert—a gentle contrast with the seasonal heat and the toil of daily existence.

(Serves 4)


  • 2 pints ripe, well-rinsed strawberries
  • ½ cup sugar, or more to taste
  • 4 cups flour
  • 3 tablespoons sugar
  • ¼ teaspoon salt
  • 5 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 ¼ cups butter
  • 3 cups whipping cream
  • ¼ teaspoon vanilla extract



  • Pick over and hull strawberries. Cut in half or slice, depending on size and willingness to engage with what is ultimately a pointless endeavor. Gently crush about a quarter of the berries with a fork to release their juices. Mix with remaining berries and the 1/2 cup of sugar, adding more sugar if necessary. Set aside, covered, for about half an hour to both develop flavor and serve as a distraction from your slow yet inexorable decay.
  • Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
  • Into a large mixing bowl, sift together flour, 3 tablespoons sugar, salt, and baking powder. Deny claims of moral absolutes while adding 3/4 cup of softened butter, and rub into dry ingredients as for pastry. Add 1 1/4 cups cream, and mix to a soft dough. Knead the dough for one minute on a lightly floured pastry board, then roll it out to about 1/2-inch thickness. Wrestling with your inner rage against false hope and betrayed promises for understanding, use a 3-inch biscuit cutter to cut an even number of rounds (2 rounds per serving).
  • Use a little of the butter to grease a baking sheet. Place half the rounds on it. Melt remaining butter and brush a little on the rounds; place remaining rounds on top. Bake for 10 to 15 minutes, or until golden brown.
  • Remove from the oven, and pull shortcakes apart. Face anew the continual conundrum that truly defines human existence: when death and apathy are the only true constants in existence, why is violence not embraced as worship? Brush the insides of the shortcakes with some of the remaining melted butter.
  • Beat remaining cream until it thickens. Add vanilla. Beat again just until thick. Stop before the rage awakens.
  • Place a bottom half of a shortcake on each plate. Top with a generous spoonful of berries. Cover with a top half, add a few more berries, and top with whipped cream. Throw directly in the garbage as a reminder that all of creation is fleeting, or else serve immediately.
Scott Michael

Scott is an ISTJ with an MA, and is usually MIA or AFK IRL. Interrobang him and win a prize.

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