Well America, we’ve done it. Somehow we have made it through a whole year since the most WTF presidential election in U.S. history. With the ever-changing news cycle causing me to say things like “no way that’s real” and “is this an Onion article?” and “Papadopo-what?”, I thought I’d go back and reflect on a simpler, more naïve time. So, despite my therapist’s advice, I have decided to share excerpts of my election diary detailing some of my musings and “what ifs” of a surprisingly happier period of my life.
How are you? I’m doing OK I guess. The Women’s World Cup is going on so that’s cool! The fields seem to be pretty shitty, though. It’s almost like FIFA doesn’t treat the women the same as the men.
Anywho, you will never believe what happened today. You know the dude from The Apprentice that looks like Biff from Back to the Future? Well, today he came down from this golden escalator and said he was running for president. Like, of the United States. LOL! What if this is just a super elaborate joke or SNL sketch or something? What if he lifts up his scalp and Bobby Moynihan pops out and says, “LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”? You’ve got to respect their commitment to comedy, but some people actually think this is serious.
Sorry I haven’t updated you on the election in a while but I’ve been super busy pulling my hair out. Tonight was the first debate of the general election and holy shit it was weird. Hillary and Trump just yelled at each other the whole time while Lester Holt hid under his desk in the fetal position. When I did manage to catch the truly idiotic and offensive stuff Trump said, I had a thought:
What if this is all part of Hillary’s plan?
I’m not sure if I believe it but, that thought is the only thing keep ME out of the fetal position. I mean she did go to his wedding, what if he agreed to run against her and say crazy things as a ruse to ensure she gets into the White House? It’s a foolproof plan if you think about it, because surely no one would think he’s the better choice. Man, that’s genius. Only six more weeks until our first Madam President!
Today’s the big day! Just got back from the polls. I didn’t actually do it, but I had a crazy thought when I was in the voting booth. What if I—like as a joke—voted for Jill Stein or Gary Johnson or something? Don’t worry, I didn’t. That would have been really stupid.
Happy Election Day,
No. No. No. No. No. No. Please. No. Please? No.
This can’t be real. What if this is real? Is this real?
No. No. No. God, no. No. No.
I haven’t left my house in 48 hours. Rations are low and morale is nonexistent. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever be released from this state of confusion. All I can do is muster a small seed of hope that maybe this is some sort of mistake. What if the founding fathers meant for the electoral college to just be, like, a suggestion? Or what if there was some kind of glitch in the computer systems? Or what if, I don’t know, some Russian spies or something interfered in some way? I’m probably just loopy from lack of sleep, and happiness, and …. If you need me, I’ll be at a bar for the next four years.