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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. New Orleans Saints
We all knew that this Saints team was for real after they knocked off the Rams last week, but they might be realer than we thought. In what could have been a let-down game in Cincinnati, Drew Brees silenced any haters who say that he doesn’t play well outdoors. I don’t think that the Bengals are a great team, but a 51-14 road victory is impressive nonetheless.
Brees was almost perfect, completing 22 of 25 passes for 265 yards and 3 TDs. The rushing attack was great too, totaling 244 yards on the ground, 104 from Mark Ingram. The defense picked the Red Rocket off twice and sacked him four times. Again, the Bengals suck, but it is looking more and more like the road to the Super Bowl will go through New Orleans.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers
Speaking of juggernauts, the Steelers are absolutely steamrolling teams as well. Last Thursday night’s victims were the Panthers, a team we think is good. Big Ben’s stat line was stupid (22/25, 328 & 5) leading to a 52-21 beat down that improves their record to 6-2-1.
Meanwhile, lets check in on Le’Veon Bell…
Stay safe Le’Veon…don’t let those fantasy football nerds get to you!
3. Cleveland Browns
Savior Mayfield rose up this week and notched his third career victory, a solid 28-16 drubbing of the Coldlanta Falcons. The #1 overall pick was efficient (17/20 passing), effective (3 TDs) and most of all careful (no turnovers). The 3-6-1 Browns head into their bye week with slim playoff chances but a bright (or at least much more fun) future.
Until of course Baker reaches free agency in a few years and decides to sign with Miami, sending Cleveland into another recession.
4. Bill Belichick
(Cracks knuckles)
Is there anything that the Patriots’ genius head coach can’t do? When he’s not winning Super Bowls he is grooming his former players to become successful head coaches, thus stretching the branches of excellence from New England throughout the football landscape. On Sunday Vrabel led his Titans to an incredibly surprising 34-10 victory against the defending AFC champions. The End.
In all seriousness, this was a tough one for Patriots fans to stomach. Losing to an inferior opponent in November is typically not part of the Brady/Belichick script. This game felt like a bad concert by an old rock band that shouldn’t still be touring. The crowd knows all the words to the songs, but everything is out of tune (“WE CALL THIS ONE THE BRADY SNEAK… FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT!).
I’m not going to analyze everything that the Pats did wrong in Tennessee because you come here for the pictures. All I’ll say is that a little noise from the haters and doubters this week might be just what Brady and his noodle arm need for motivation to get us to Atlanta.
5. The AFC South
Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to pay our respects to the Jacksonville Jaguars. It feels like just yesterday that they were doing the Shake’n’Blake in the conference championship game, but now we are burying them. We are returning the Jags to the ground from which they came, last place in the AFC South. Some will blame the Colts for their death, but they simply fired the final shot. It was the cold that killed old Jaggy… they never was much good in post-September conditions. May Belichick rest their souls.
6. Jerry Jones
Winning football games is to Jerry Jones as taking Viagra is to, well, Jerry Jones. If gives him just enough energy to do irreparable harm. As a Democrat, I am not friends with any Cowboys fans, but I have to imagine that they have some mixed emotions after Dallas put up a 27-20 victory in Philly. Sure, the team improved to 4-5, and the NFC East is wide open. But the win means that Jason Garrett is still the head coach, Scott Linehan is still calling plays, and the senile owner will continue to make key personnel decisions. The implosion will be fun to watch.
7. Bills Mafia
Big week for Bills fans! First their team knocks off the Jets in the Meadowlands 41-10. They were led by QB Matt Barkley, who was coming off the couch for his first action in over two years. Then the team finally whacked the horrendous Nathan Peterman on Tuesday (they released him from his contract, he is still alive).
Next up is a Week 11 bye, which means the fans in Buffalo will congregate in a cold field, get shitfaced, and slam each other through cheap plastic tables. They only have one speed.
8. Chiefs, Chargers, & Packers
The Chiefs beat the Cardinals to improve to 9-1, the Chargers won their sixth straight in Oakland, and the Packers bounced back from their loss to the Pats by thumping the Dolphins. Congrats to them, but if you beat a garbage team you need to share a spot. Those are the rules.
9. The Uprights
We don’t usually fuck with inanimate objects here on the Power Rankings but I’m going to make an exception. This week the uprights in Chicago defeated Bears’ kicker Cody Parkey, blocking him four times:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u12nnm6BYWo
The Bears dominated the Lions and won 34-22 despite these antics, and it looks like Parkey is going to keep his job. Hopefully those slender yellow poles aren’t quite as enticing on Sunday night in a crucial division game against the Vikings.
10. Vegas
We gave it all back. This was inevitable. A week removed from the bloodbath when every favorite won and covered, Vegas got their revenge. The Rams and Chiefs won but failed to cover, while other favorites like the Pats, Jets, and Eagles lost outright. Idiots like myself like to find two or three favorites that should definitely win and tease down their 6, 6.5, or 7 point spreads to PK, .5 or 1. That worked across the board last week, but it turned out to just be a 7-day loan.
Take the points and the under tonight in Seattle, nobody likes a quitter.
Also Receiving Votes: The Hollywood Rams, Eli Manning, Eli Manning Apologists, Nick Chubb Fantasy Owners and Zion Williamson, but not Floyd Mayweather…stop giving him things, he is the worst.
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