News Stories Already Scrapped for 2024

POP ICONS INCITE PLANETARY COOLDOWN

NOAA scientists have recruited Elsa, Joe Cool, LL Cool J, Ice-T, Ice Cube, Mr. Freeze, Captain Cold, and milkshake ambassador Grimace to command the oversight of the reduction of global temperatures elevated from decades of human-based warming. Representatives for Jack Frost, a long time believer in the Flat Earth theory, refused to comment on his noted absence from the frozen think-tank.

MID-EAST PEACE TALKS LOSE NIELSEN RATINGS WAR VS WHO’S THE BOSS CAST REUNION

World peace in our time was finally achieved as Israel and its Arab-nation neighbors exchanged friendship bracelets at the Sepulchre in Jerusalem. However, the sight of Tony Danza and Judith Light together once again captured the world’s imagination and their hearts, as they returned to television for the long awaited reunion. “All praise to Allah,” a Hamas representative said at the Jerusalem press conference. “Tony and Angela are back, baby!”

SUPERHERO FILMS CONTINUE WITH NO MASKS IN SIGHT

DC Studios CEO James Gunn and Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige announced a massive box office turnaround with the absence of iconic masks, cowls, capes, and weapons helmed by their powerful leads. “Ever since the Costume Designers Guild strike, we’ve been forced to portray our heroes without fancy clothes and powerful weapons. It basically left them to deal with the aliens and power-hungry villains all on their own,” Feige said. “Who knew all Joker wanted to do was sit down with Bruce Wayne and talk things out.” “It’s total bullshit,” decried Batman villain, Condiment King. “Once I added sriracha to my mayonnaise, I was set for world domination.”

NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP LEADS FIGHT AGAINST COVID

Thanks to a Mountain Dew-guzzling 15-year-old who managed to catch every variant of the coronavirus, scientists have developed a “100 percent guaranteed” cure for the source of the 2020 global pandemic: soda. “Consumption of 4 liters daily of regular soda—not that diet crap—creates a drowning effect on the airborne virus.” CDC officials are stymied by the results, as mass quantities were consumed at the beginning of the historic outbreak, trying to create a vaccine.

SOCIAL MEDIA MOGULS: “NOBODY CARES!

Financial representatives for social media platforms Meta (Facebook, Instagram, and Threads), Bluesky, Mastodon, and TikTok announced staggering losses for the fourth straight quarter as the entire world ditches social media for in-person social gatherings. “It’s like everyone put their phones down and are having conversations again.” X owner, Elon Musk posted Friday morning, “Anyone out there?” Representatives for Truth Social were ignored for this story.

CONGRESS COLLECTIVELY REVERSES COURSE

In a joint press statement, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green (R – Georgia) and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D – New York) announced a massive philosophical change to the “People’s House.” “We’ve listened to our constituents—no, really—and we’re going to behave like adults and treat each other like professionals,” Taylor Greene said. “MTG and AOC are going to blow your minds,” Ocasio-Cortez stated. “We have so much more in common than we thought. Like, just you wait. Me and my girl, Margie, are going to reshape America. I love her so. Mmwah.”